I am writing to you from the passenger seat of our new electric VW ID4, on our way home from Folly Beach, SC. We traveled to the beach, via Durham, NC, for the week between Christmas and the new year. Today is the last day of 2022, and what a year it has been.
My last post was in late July — so August, September, October, November, and December have gone by without comment in this blog. And so much has happened!
We traveled to Burlington, Vermont at the end of August, ostensibly to scope out property with Jeff and his then-girlfriend, but interest in that scheme seemed to drop off after the trip. We stayed downtown, visited the Ben & Jerry factory, went swimming in the woods, and checked out the sweet nearby town of St. Albans. A nice little trip and we were upgraded to first class on our tiny plan on the way back — just under an hour of living in luxury!
The next week, Ellie began kindergarten at Glebe in Ms. Stramaglia’s class and Myles became a “middle” at CCCC. His class is called the Puzzle Kitties but Myles calls his friends his mighty crew and after a brief period of adjustment to the upstairs classroom, seems to have settled in pretty well. His best buddies are M, a golden haired little girl, D, a little boy who joined CCCC at the end of last year, and L, a little boy who is the youngest of three. Our little guy is moving along with potty training and pull-up free during the day! He is a charming, loving little sweetheart—offering “huggies” aplenty to parents, teachers, and friends. He is a kindhearted little boy and so often shares with others so easily — he is happy to give away his French fries and his crayons. I feel a sense of music and dance in him — he often bounces gently through life in a way that he is challenging to capture in words. He also just loves to snuggle — “Can I sit in your wap?” He make friends easily. He is interested in books and beginning to learn his letters—something I think we should be working with him on more than we are. And he is lapping it up in the pool at Goldfish Swim School alongside his sister.
The kids seem to take turns being in periods of disregulation. Which means that I am frequently looking for a therapist for someone! In the spring, following his third birthday, it was Myles. But Myles seems to have settled and since August, Ellie has been sailing choppy seas as she adjusts to kindergarten.
There are 22 kids in her class, according to her — I think there are a few more — and her teacher is a first year teacher who is is Type A and I’m the ball but not particularly warm and fuzzy and perhaps lacks the wisdom of a teacher who has guided five year olds for decades. Ellie prefers the aide, Ms. Smith, an older woman who has cats and who Ellie says is loving. I see so much less of the internal workings of Ellie’s school than I saw in kindergarten. I see her chaotic, stressed energy at the end of the day—when she has pushed and pushed and has no emotional regulation energy left. Kindergarten is much more structured and academic than CCCC — obviously. I don’t think she feels known in the same way, because she is not. We have tried to keep some continuity—ballet classes with W on Saturdays and playdates with Chomper friends. She had two birthday parties this year — a party at Hayes Park with her kindergarten friends and a party with a pony dressed as a unicorn with her chomper friends the next day. It does occur to me that we need to do less in the coming year. 2022 was just so much. I do think that Ellie is adjusting. She is slow to warm and found a “best” friend, Z, immediately—she’d met her on the playground before kindergarten. But that bond was announced more quickly than it actually formed and it is yet unclear how compatible the girls are. A security blanket friendship — I know them well. I remember that even this early, friendships can feel like a lot to navigate. We do a lot of our growing as we explore these early relationships, but it can be painful. I remember the Cup of Jo advice to take these hurts seriously—I remember how sharp they felt when I was young and how new I was to coping with feelings like shame, rejection, hurt, uncertainty.
I think the best we can be is their safest, most loving place. The world outside can be a lot, even for children like ours, who have so much. They will still navigate questions about who they are, whether they are liked and loved, what they are good at, whether they are “enough” — they will study for tests, and measure and be measured, and make and lose friends, and perhaps have their first lives while under our roof. I want them to feel loved and cared for and listened to. A tall order. And not what Nitin and I model towards each other, sadly. A work in progress.
I know that my bright, salty, funny, brilliant, tall, beautiful girl will find her footing. She will gain confidence as she learns to read, trusts her friendships, finds her groove. And I am looking for a good therapist to help. Or even a high school girl who can hang with her after school occasionally to work on reading or do art projects.
She has made great strides with swimming, she adores unicorns, and she is so much more articulate than her years. She is six, with big feelings, and still working on the toolkit she will use to navigate those feelings — but she is smarter and wiser than six, and such ab keen observer. Like me, she is always wondering if she is loved, and reaching out for validation. I see a fair amount of myself in her, but she has her own special alchemy.
I am so proud of both children, for being exactly themselves. How different they are. I hope that they remain friends always.
And Nitin and I are fine. Nitin is running, running, running. He works for a Canadian tech company these days. I would not say either of us is at peak joy. We enjoy our date nights. We had two hotel night dates since late July, at Four Seasons to celebrate Nitin’s 40th birthday, and at the Ritz, to celebrate my 38th. I visited Charleston with the GW girls in October.
And I was promoted to replace my boss when he retired. I am learning to balance work and life in this new role. It has been a challenge. There is always more to do at work, at home, with the kids. So I have been reading less, spending less time with friends, etc. I want to try to remind myself to prioritize joy and wellbeing in 2023. As I get close to 40, I get closer to releasing the clamp off all of shields, the desire for gold stars, the unceasing hamster wheel of pursuing external validation. That will never be enough; it is not designed to be. The path to peace is my own certainty in the rightness of my choices for my family and for me. Even if they do not make everyone happy. Which they will not. If the family is happy and healthy, we are heading in the right direction. That’s the North Star. A few quotes we've noted in recent months below.
- Ellie, posing hypotheticals to Nitin --
- Would you rather Myles burn in a fire or me?
- Would you rather burn your face with hot lava face or never have coffee again?
- Would you rather step on a nail for 120 seconds or have no coffee?
- Would you rather give up Ellie any Myles or coffee, forever?
- When brushing Myles's teeth, he prefers you to ask him whether he wants you to do it the "hard way," "the easy way," "the fast way," "the gentle say," or "the slow way." He always picks "the gently way."
- Ellie, giving Myles an education in dental hygiene -
- Ellie - Don’t eat that. You’ll get a cavity.
- Myles - What happens if I get a cavity?
- Ellie - You’ll have to get a filling. I think it’s strawberry.
- Ellie, on other peoples' feelings -
- Me - I think that you may be hurting daddy’s feelings.
- Ellie - I don’t care about daddy’s feelings. I only care about my feelings.
- Mommy - is that nice, though?
- Ellie - I think it’ll be fine for one day.
- Much like Ellie loves for me to tell her Elliefish Jellyfish stories, Myles enjoys stories about Olive the Octopus, who is Zoe Labradoodle's best friend. They often feature visits to the hospital; Myles is still processing his April 2022 hospital visit.
- Me - Olive the octopus went to the hospital and needed a band aid.
- Myles - Eight band aids.
- Myles went to therapy with "Ms. Amy" for a while this year, while he was in the throes of the threes. They read books about feelings, played with toys, and learned breathing exercises. He is also learning about boundaries and hugging at school. One day he was sad when I picked him up, because he is learning to ask for permission before giving hugs, and his friend, a little girl named M, had said no. M clarified that his teacher had said he could still hug M, but she had to say yes first.
- M - I wanted to give M a hug and she said no. So I was sad. Can we go to Ms. Amy tomorrow?
- Myles is developing some amusing new catchphrases. For a while, it was, "Silly me!" And he actually used it in appropriate contexts. He also frequently says "of course," in such a heartwarming voice. For example, "Mylesy, do you want to come to the store with me?" "Of course!"
- Ellie was talking about how she is not into Pokémon, though some of her preschool friends are: "I have to admit, they are cute." I had never heard her say, "I have to admit..." before.
- Ellie, exasperated with Myles, asked him, "Have you ever thought that I might be happier if I were an only child?" No response from Myles.
- I was talking to Ellie about what she does when she feels frustrated. She said it depends on the context. At home, she cries. At school, she "pushes all of the feelings down" because she "doesn't want anyone to fight with me." Yes, we are looking for a therapist.
- Myles was not initially pleased about being in the middles class. To help with his adjustment, I asked, "What can I tell your teachers?" Myles responded, without missing a beat: “I don’t want to come to your school!”
- Myles is very into preparing pretend food in his kitchen. Because he is such a considerate guy, he is happy to cook according to dietary specifications.
- M: Mama, I have some hot chicken soup for you! [holding a pot with pretend fish and graham crackers in it]
- B: But Mylsey, I'm a vegetarian!
- M: Fresh, hot lentil soup for you! [holding the same pot under my nose]
- Ellie continues to experience bouts of middle-aged ennui, but is ever pragmatic.
- Nitin: So how are you feeling about the world?Elie: Eh, things could be better, but I still have a lot to be grateful for.
- The kids are close with one another. While driving each other up a wall, of course. Ellie asked for a friendship bracelet for Christmas, so that she could give Myles the other one.
- Myles has recently learned to express his frustration with us by threatening to run away to his new home in Vermont. But when we ask if he can join him, he cheerfully tells us we are welcome.
