Adieu, 2023!

I began this blog seven years ago, when Ellie was a newborn, and week by week, I meticulously documented her hiccups, speculated about her nascent personality, and included accompanying photos in each post. Now Ellie is 7, Myles is 4, and I have not posted since August—though I have dutifully written “kids’ blog post” in the margin of my planner for weeks now. I never anticipated that my brain could become so oversaturated with stress and stimuli that it would freeze like a computer on the fritz. And how does one reboot an almost 40-year-old working parent? Asking for a friend. The blog is ostensibly about the children but since I have been subsumed by the children, I will permit some of own musings. 

So. It is that sleepy week between Christmas and the beginning of the new year, and we are camped out in an Airbnb in Encinitas, where we flew on Christmas Eve after an early family celebration on the 23rd. But before we jump right in, let me catch you up on everything since August. 

In late August, we returned from Montreal and Nitin immediately for to North Carolina to retrieve Ziggy, our new chocolate labradoodle puppy. Ziggy has been enthusiastically welcomed by all and perhaps most of all by Ellie, who attended puppy training classes alongside Nitin and sleeps next to Ziggy’s crate in her room. We’ve been so impressed with how Ellie takes Ziggy out to pee and feeds him in the morning—a big responsibility! Ziggy himself is a lovable, shaggy character—more on the Labrador side of the game pool than Zoe, he is floppy, friendly, and voraciously hungry. We think he’ll also be larger than Zoe when he grows into his giant paws. 

A second dog has amplified the chaos in the house. We are still working on carving out a bit of peace for ourselves. But Ziggy’s sweetness adds joy to our life and I suspect life may feel calmer once he is past peak puppy mania. 

Ellie began first grade in Ms. Van Hook’s class this year. Few of her buddies from kindergarten were assigned to her class but she is forging new friendships in her own way and at her own pace. Ellie finished a stint in therapy recently with Dr. D, and one of the mementos we left with was a turtle fashioned out of pipe cleaners—a reminder to be respectful of Ellie’s natural pace and way of being. My own mom gently gave similar advice. We have to let our children be who they are—and beyond that we must accept and celebrate who they are. Ellie and I talked about how sometimes social situations can feel harder for people like her and me. But we are both so worth getting to know and are great friends to the people we love. 

Ellie is blossoming academically this year, reading chapter books and graphic novels like babysitters club little sister series. She still delights in art and seems so at peace when she is drawing or otherwise using crafting new creations. And like me, she likes to make lists! She also is enjoying cooking, including making new recipes from a cookbook received for her birthday and making Blue Apron meals with her dad. Ellie and I will begin guitar lessons next week and she will be playing basketball and taking a cooking enrichment class after school for the next few months. Ellie continues to belong to her Girl Scout troop , which is a great source of friendship and a way to stay close to kindergarten friends—and my way of trying to help support friendships that will make her feel more comfortable in whatever class she is assigned to. Ellie teased me that in my notes to her, I always say that I love to watch her grow. But it is true. She is funny, kind, sharp, and so observant. She is loving and wise beyond her years. 

Myles is in his last year at CCCC this year, a big kid in the upstairs classroom—dubbed the Colorful Sky Painters, a name I personally find delightful. Myles continues to enjoy watching his documentaries—a varied collection featuring diverse topics such as marine life, the bombing of Pearl Harbor, and the burning of Notre Dame cathedral. So, light fare. 

He continues to enjoy hanging with his “mighty crew” and is such a social guy. He gives hugs easily and loves looking at books. Myles is a charmer—he’s got a great smile that lights up his face and may say out of the blue, “mama, I don’t love anybody but you.” And then two minutes later he will earnestly say the same to his dad or to one of his two favorite stuffies, bow wow and bow wow pito. I am so curious to see how Myles unfolds as he goes to Glebe for kindergarten next year. I think he will love that potential for more enrichment activities—whereas Ellie needs more alone time to unwind, Myles is always clamoring for more activities and social time!

And as for other occurrences this fall…both kids continue to tame swimming lessons at our local high schools, with both making good progress! We visited Grandma and Grandpa in Chicago in October and saw some of my old friends while we were there. Grandma and Grandpa visited us for Thanksgiving and both kids delighted in spending time with them. Both kids have loved spending time with Nani, with Ellie visiting on Tuesday and Friday afternoon, and Myles visiting on weekends. Shefali and Emma visited for a couple of days in November, and we all celebrated Diwali together! Grandma, Grandpa, Dylan, and Angelica visited us for an early Christmas—ice skating for Myles’s first time was a highlight. And that brings us to present day. 

We have much to look forward to in 2024–trips to Charlottesville, Boston, Europe, Chicago and beyond; kindergarten for Myles and second grade for Ellie; diving into home renovation plans. And hopefully, a great many slow, peaceful moments, too. 

Notable Quotes:

Correct, Technically...

N: You have to believe in yourself!

E: No I don’t! It’s my choice! 

Language Confusion...

B: I have to turn on my computadora.

M: Your computer's name is Dora?!

Just making sure!

Myles, home with a fever: 

"daddy, do you want to keep me healthy and care about me so much" 

Everyone's special little guy

N: you know you’re my special little guy right?

M: no, mommy says I’m her special little guy.

N: what? How can that be?

M: I guess I’m both the parents’ special little guy.

You and only you...

M, while feverish: Mama, I don't like anybody else but you.

M, an hour later: Daddy, I don't like anybody else but you.

Future marketing exec

M, while looking at zoe's little heartshaped mini treats and spelling out the word B-I-T-S: they should be called meat hearts.

Making his mark

M edited Adamsville Cemetery on Google Maps and shared his google maps location with Jeff. 

Wordsmith

E: Coffee tastes horrid.

N: At least you have a good vocabulary.

E: What does vocabulary mean? 

Mapper Myles

M recognized Sydney Opera House and then said: Daddy, can you show me Wolf Rock off Rainbow Beach in Queensland, Australia?

Marine Myles

Sleepy M: “Mama?”

B: “Yes, baby?”

SM: “Bull Sharks live in rivers and estuaries.”

Benign Hunting

Myles, wearing a backpack, shoes, and a pole with a dog toy attached to it: "I am hunting for labradoodles!" Pauses. "I am hunting for labradoodles so I can give them food and protect them in their habitat."

Introspection

E, re: her therapist: Why is she so wise and nice but not my type of woman?

Vampire Tendencies

B: When people ask you not to suck their blood, it is polite to listen to them.

M: I wasn’t really sucking daddy’s blood.

E: It’s kind of an alarming thing even to say though. 

Quick Question

E: "I have a question." 

N: "Go ahead."

E: "If all life on earth came from tiny organisms billions of years ago, how did the tiny organisms start?"

N: "That's a good question. People don't know the answer yet. There are a few theories. One of the theories is that the tiny organisms traveled to earth on a meteorite and spread out from there. But there are other theories and we haven't figured out the answer."

E: "Oh. Let me know if we figure it out."

N: "I'll keep you posted."

AKA Turkey

E, referring to a blow up turkey in a neighbor's yard: Is it...a Thanksgiving chicken?

Bedtime Requests 

M: “Mama, can you draw the USS Arizona on my back?”

Holiday Spirit 

E: Why do we never go caroling? Do we just not have the energy?

Dog Days of Summer

And just like that, it is August. I have never been the most enthusiastic fan of summer. My summer loving family and friends insist that the season passes in a flash. In DC, summer feels like a long, sweaty stretch of time—stealing from spring with high temperatures in May and maintaining its grip through at least September. But now that Ellie is in kindergarten, summer marks the passing of time in a different way. She will begin first grade in less than three weeks and the last week of kindergarten still feels so recent.

I had fretted about how Ellie would weather the many transitions of summer. When I was a kid, you went to one camp, and you also spent lazy summer days biking to the white hen for ice cream or just reading a magazine while your thighs stuck to a leather couch, trying to catch a breeze. But summer for short has been a series of shorter, mostly full day camps that are exorbitantly expensive compared to the camps of my youth. I organized these enrollments in concert with other moms, coordinating so that she would rarely attend a camp without at least a friend or two in the same group. A three week music camp, a half day art camp, astronomy camp, musical theater, gymnastics, violin. 

She had gained a greater measure of social confidence by the end of kindergarten. She danced enthusiastically in her end of year cover to Shakira’s waka waka song. She is not the most physically affectionate of her peers, but she began returning hugs sometimes. We started therapy with Dr. Di—moments after the precipitating incident in extended day in January that had caused me to contacts six therapists. By then, E was in a smooth stretch, and when I completed the pediatric symptoms form, the Dr could not diagnose her with anything at all. So. No insurance coverage. And so far we have spent our sessions playing with miniature figurines (“minis”) and sand (!!! How I hate sand) and creating art. We recently started practicing breathing exercises that Ellie is always familiar with and we spent half of the most recent session pretending to be noodles, so that our bodies transformed from rigid, uncooked noodles, to languid, floppy cooked noodles. Ellie is unfazed but also seemingly unaffected by all of this. I wonder about the difficulty scheduling and the $200 session fees. But then she turns to me on an ordinary evening and says, what if we are all living in a nightmare, and none of this is real? And I think well perhaps, for this particular beautiful orchid, it is wise to be in the company of an experienced botanist sometimes.

When I visit the children just before I go to bed just to soak up a little more of them and check on them, I think I could not love anyone or anything more. And this is true. They are my favorite people. 

Ellie is so observant. I was telling Yonit about her yesterday. And she said oh, what a sophisticated mind, and she is probably thinking deeper thoughts than she has the emotional capacity to take in, sometimes. I think she got that right. 

E is also developing in all of the ordinary, observable ways. She is so tall and slim, among the tallest of her peers, mostly legs. Her face is so often caught in am expression of concentration. She takes on tween mannerisms, rolling her eyes expressively. One week she used the word “random,” dismissively, in every other sentence. I can see what lies ahead. And like all of the human inhabitants of our home, her emotions can be somewhat volatile. She and M are mostly quite close but they also argue, and when she is furious with him, she radiates anger as she points her finger at him. The pointing finger vibrates with expression and there is no shortage of shouting between the kids when tempers are elevated. But she also exercises admirable restraint. I know she may feel inclined to hit him but she rarely does. At six and a half, I credit her for that. 

The way that her reading skills have taken off in the past year is so exciting for me. Less so for her. I feel like I am in the presence of magic when I listen to her read words, then sentences, then paragraphs that were so recently completely out of her reach. I think of the joy of her reading so many beautiful books for the first time. But my enthusiasm has not been contagious. She enjoys being read to. But we have had not a few kerfufles about her nightly 20 minutes of reading. I have had to remind myself repeatedly to practice patience. The end goal is not proficiency but a genuine love of language and story. And no one can be prodded into that territory. I know better. But to do better when tensions are elevated is the challenge.

I feel like I am capturing too much of how it feels to parent and too little of the spectacular, transient person she is in this moment. It is an in between age. She bops to Taylor Swift and One Direction—lyrics that engage her but are not yet completely understood. And she also delights in playing quietly with her collection of stuffies—dressing them in velvet hair scrunches, celebrating their birthdays, acting out scenes, putting them all too bed.

And there are threads that have been consistent all along. She loves art a she always has. She expresses herself beautifully. She is an older soul than many friends. She has a more nuanced understanding of the world that can startle parents of six year olds who have all the complexity of a golden retriever. One parent friend compared her to Wednesday Addams. Ellie will sometimes flippantly announce that she is dying.

But that view of her misses so much of her fundamental joy. She delights in animals. She loves silly games. She can be so gentle with her brother. There is also a zany, laughing girl who is playful, affectionate, and enthusiastic. All shades of Ellie are a great gift to us. Whatever I write here, there is so much more to say.

This brings us to Myles. He came second but should not always be second in these entries. It has been fascinating to watch our sweet little guy become more and more himself. His intellectual curiosity is such a delight to us. He can happily spend long stretches of time navigating in google maps. This was also apparently a favorite childhood pastime for Nitin. 

He is also very interested in the world outside his immediate surroundings. A strong interest in volcanos and natural disasters has given way to a fascination with marine life, and different species of sharks in particular. I have learned about sharks I never knew existed from Myles, who can identify different types of sharks by their physical traits—porbeagle shark, great white, hammerhead, nurse shark, bull shark—and tell me what they eat and where they live. We checked a dozen shark books out from the library. He also loves to watch both children’s and adult documentaries about marine life.

Myles’s year as a puzzle kitty “middle” At CCCC is wrapping up. I can scarcely believe that my little guy is entering his last year of preschool. Thank goodness he still loves to snuggle. On the nights that I put him to bed, he prefers to lie in my lap until he falls asleep, and we listen to peaceful guitar or harp music after reading stories.

Myles is still an intriguingly social guy, happy to make new friends in any setting. At school, he enjoys his “mighty crew,” and especially his friend M. He wrapped up teeball in the spring—he seemed ambivalent about the teeeball but likes wearing his camp and enjoyed being part of a team. And not he and E are taking swimming lessons. I should think of a fall activity for him. Or maybe not. I am always torn between structured and unstructured time. 

So. What is next for this little family? For starters, a new puppy, Ziggy, arriving in under three weeks. A trip to Montreal just before that. We went to Banff and Minnesota earlier this summer. And also an overnight in Shenandoah. First grade for Ellie. Last year of preschool for Myles. A marathon for Nitin and October Chicago visit for the rest of us. Christmas in San Diego. And whatever else happens in life that we were not expecting. Which is no small part of things. 

Before summer ends, we will have Ellie’s Girl Scouts over for s’mores and a campfire. I will organize the ice cream Social for Myles’s school. There will be back to school playdates. 

I am just coming back from a 24 hour jaunt to Philly. Kim, Elizabeth, and I took the train to see Yonit, who was there for a conference. We talked a lot about about work, balance, toiling. I did not expect that any conversation could help me to feel lighter. I feel as if work has been grinding me down. I had assumed the only way to feel lighter was to work until everything felt wrapped up neatly and within my control.

This is not the purpose of these posts, exactly. How I feel as I walk this tightrope carrying family and work responsibilities is not the picture of family life I am aiming to preserve. I want to know, in twenty years, how much Myles delighted in porbeagle sharks, and I want Ellie to remember how she used to give “birth” to stuffies who popped out from under her tshirt. But does anyone need to remember how I felt constantly torn between work and family responsibilities, and sometimes only remotely aware of who I am outside of either of those contexts? 

Well, maybe. This is part of the movement of putting the moon in the picture. The year that a child lost her front teeth and quit ballet and went on her first fun run with her dad was the year I became a supervisor, and struggled with imposter syndrome, and stepped down from the preschool board, tired of being thoughtlessly tasked with hours of unpaid, thankless work. The month that Ellie went to astronomy camp I wanted to snuggle later at bedtime with both kids and I also wanted to walk the dog and listen to a podcast and chip away at work projects. There is never enough time and sometimes I forget to feel the joys of my very full life. I am instead consumed by the feeling that a ball is dropping somewhere, that no one else is quite taking seriously all the things that require serious consideration. 

At Ellie’s therapy session, we chose miniature figurines that were supposed to represent ourselves and each other. Ellie chose a dragon and I chose a German shepherd for Nitin. Ellie chose a bird for me and a unicorn for herself. I chose a puppy for Myles and a butterfly and the joy character from Inside Out for Ellie. For myself, I chose a donkey that turned out to be a goat, because work is who I am right now. I carry deadlines, laundry, camp forms, email traffic, meetings, grocery lists. And Nitin carries mental load too. Hello, taxes, credit cards, flight bookings, landscaping, swimming lessons, trash and recycling, canine care, automotive maintenance! Who could even measure at this point? I spend all my damn time moving clean and dirty laundry, recycling art work, working, working, working. 

So I weave fantasies. We will rescue goats and live on a remote farm near a small town with a library, bakery, and farmer’s market. I will quit and write essays or young adult novels. Did you know that starting your own goat rescue isn’t great for your 401k? And writing a YA novel is unlikely to generate 170k per year or access to health insurance? Anyways.

But I wonder if my ordinary life — and my perspective on it — just need tweaking. In the words of the great American poet Taylor Alison Swift, me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. If you had told me at 17, you will be a civil rights lawyer at the department of education. You will be married to your partner of nearly 20 years. Two beautiful, healthy, brilliant children. Great friends. You own a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood. You walk your kids to school. You have job security but your family also doesn’t even need your income. I would have thought, all that worrying, and what a blessed life. But I still worry. 

I have to remind myself. This is the best part. Watching these children grow, being near them, pouring love into them. This is the ball that cannot drop. Slow down and drink it in. The rest of it cannot be taken so seriously. When the rest of it seems more too important, it is time to reset. 

Quotes

Concerns about volcanoes...

M: "Daddy, are there volcanoes in Italy?"

N: "Yes, there are."

"Are they active volcanoes?"

"Yes."

"So that means we can't go to Italy."

"No, we can go to Italy. It's safe."

"Do they only erupt on certain days, like Mondays?"

"No, it's not like that."

"Then we can't go to Italy."

Additional travel safety questions...

M: "Daddy, did you visit a castle in Europe?"

N: "No, I haven't done that."

"Is that because the knights will put you in jail?"

"No, they don't put you in jail. You're allowed to visit the castles."

"So the knights are nice now?"

"Yes."

"Because they used to be bad."

"I know."

"Daddy, I would like to visit a castle in Europe with you sometime."

"Sounds great."

Hallmark channel...

E: Did you bring me a gift from Chicago?

N: I'm sorry, no, I didn't.

E: Oh. [pause] People usually bring gifts home when they go on a trip.

N: I know. I'm sorry. I mean to but....[dissembling]

E: Well, it's okay. The real gift is family.

Not sure how this happened...

M walks into a room: “Uh. One problem. The curtains fell down and it’s all because of me.”

Homophones...

M to Ni, three days before Father’s Day: I’m not your son, suns are burning hot!

Aquarium visit!

“Daddy I’m going to Baltimore Maryland on a bad weather day to visit the sea creatures.” —Myles, recalling that we're waiting for a crummy weather day to take a day trip to the Baltimore aquarium

Taylor Swift!

Ellie, anticipating ticket sale day for a Taylor Swift concert in the Netherlands: "Tomorrow we're going to find out if we're going to Hamsterdam or not!"

The Perfect Day

Ellie, describing her perfect day: "A claw machine and a new puppy." Well, one out of two ain't bad!

Spring is sprung!

 Hi,

And just like that, it is nearly the end of April! Our December/January trip to South Carolina still feels recent, but it's five months have already flown by. As the kids grow, time seems to pass ever more quickly, perhaps in part because our lives are jam-packed these days. And so I am giving myself credit just for "showing up" to document how life has been recently--with no pressure to write eloquently, or write a lot, lest even these short posts stop happening!

Nitin is still at Shopify -- he hit the one-year mark recently and shows no sign of heading for the hills, which is notable. I am still settling into my new position in OCR, and feeling a push and pull between my work life and the rest of my life, including and especially family time. We've had packed first quarter of the year -- a couple of highlights include a trip to DC for enchiladas and time at the zoo in January, two trips to the Kennedy Center (for 123 Andres, a bilingual musical performer, and a Mo Willems opera), kajillions of birthday parties, Covid (in February, more of a lowlight, but managable), visiting a dozen baby pigs at Frying Pan Park, and a whole bunch of work travel for Nitin in March! We also headed to Charlottesville/Shenandoah for Spring break in April and enjoyed ice cream on the downtown mall, pineapple pizza, hiking to a waterfall, and the C'ville kids museum, with an awesome house in the woods as our home base. 

And the kids are alright, as they say. Ellie has settled into kindergarten with more ease since January. We have experimented with different ways of doing things -- we have switched off so that Nitin handles dropping both kids off, and I handle picking both kids up. We finally realized in January that extended day was the most taxing and fraught part of Ellie's day -- her people energy was depleted by 3:50, and the last hour or two of time in a less structured setting led to memorable incidents -- kissing a friend, scratching a boy who was taunting her -- that caused us to realize she needed time at home instead. I placed her on a waiting list for several therapists in January, for a little help with processing the new stressors of kindergarten -- and, we're still waiting! But the good news is that a shorter school days helped a lot. She spends Tuesdays and Fridays with Nani, Wednesdays with a high school babysitter named Kaitlyn, and Mondays and Thursdays just doing her own thing at home. We've seen her reading skills grow by leaps and bounds -- fine, fine, I'll admit that we're drilling her with flashcards, but if it works, it works -- and we've seen her confidence grow in tandem. In the wake of playground dramas, especially with a group of boy friends who run hot and cold on Ellie, we've had lots of conversations about being a kind friend and picking friends who are kind to us. We're proud of Ellie for meeting with the school counselor once a week as part of a small group that works on building social skills and confidence together. Ellie is still taking ballet with her CCCC buddy, W, seeing CCCC friends at birthday parties and playdates, excelling in swimming lessons, and enjoying being part of a girl scout troop for the first time! The wheels are always turning in her sharp mind and we love spending time with her. She's thoughtful, kind, and a great big sister. She continues to love art, and in shows in her beautiful masterpieces. She's really enjoying music this year, also. We're down to the last nine weeks of the school year, and she's got a fun calendar lined up for summer -- with camps focused on music, astronomy, theater, violin, and gymnastics! We're so proud of Ellie, and looking forward to seeing what captures her attention next. 

Myles turned 4 earlier this month, at a joint birthday party with friends featuring a firetruck visit, a bouncy house, pizza, and cupcakes! Myles is also doing a great job with swimming lessons, and is trying his hand at teeball this spring; his team is called the Giants. Nitin is running point on his teeball training and he looks pretty darn cute in his baseball uniform--Myles does, I mean, Nitin is also cute, but doesn't get to wear a uniform. Myles has had a great year in the middles at CCCC with his puzzle kitty friends, who he calls his "mighty crew." Myles has a talent for making friends--at the playground, at school, wherever he happens to be for at least five minutes--and may be the most social human member of the family. Myles very quickly learned the entire alphabet this spring and is so curious about books. He loves for us to read to him -- Frog and Toad, Pout Pout Fish, Star Wars, Natural Wonders, anything involving vehicles of any kind -- and he also loves to quietly look at books by himself. Myles loves to dance, sing, and snuggle--he still asks us if we'd like to sit in his lap when he's looking for a lap to sit in himself, which is quite endearing. Like Ellie, he can belt Taylor Swift lyrics like a millennial. He and Ellie have loved hanging in the backyard this spring, particularly on a swingset that Nitin nabbed from Costco for $200, which has been a big hit.

It's impossible to provide a completely comprehensive update, but I gave it a shot! We have a lot of travel planned in upcoming months. Chicago in May for Memorial Day weekend, Minnesota/Banff in June, a one-night getaway for Nitin and me in June, Deep Creek in August, Chicago (for the marathon) in October, and San Diego in December. We are also gaining a new (furry) family member in September, when we bring home a new labradoodle puppy! Yet to be named. :)

Without further ado, some funny quotes from recent months...

Sleeping Situations

Nitin: I walked into ellie's room just now and found it empty. Then i walked into Myles's rooms and found them both tucked in Myles's bed together.

Nitin: "What are you doing, guys?"

E: "We're going to try sleeping in the same bed."

Nitin: "oh? why's that?"

E: "Well we need to get used to it."

Nitin: "you do?"

E: "yes, so when we're grown ups we can sleep together."

Birds and the Bees

M: “Was I in your tummy?”

N: “No, you were in mommy’s tummy.”

M: “Was Ellie in your tummy?”

N: “No, she was in mommy’s tummy.”

M: “Then who was in your tummy? Zoe?!!”

Sharing is Caring

M, while discussing his birthday gifts: “Just give me a few, I want to save the rest for Ellie.”

Sweet Dreams

E, explaining tearfully that she had to sleep with Zoe, because she was worried about bad dreams and Zoe is "her furry dream catcher."

Hello, 2023!

 I am writing to you from the passenger seat of our new electric VW ID4, on our way home from Folly Beach, SC. We traveled to the beach, via Durham, NC, for the week between Christmas and the new year. Today is the last day of 2022, and what a year it has been. 

My last post was in late July — so August, September, October, November, and December have gone by without comment in this blog. And so much has happened!

We traveled to Burlington, Vermont at the end of August, ostensibly to scope out property with Jeff and his then-girlfriend, but interest in that scheme seemed to drop off after the trip. We stayed downtown, visited the Ben & Jerry factory, went swimming in the woods, and checked out the sweet nearby town of St. Albans. A nice little trip and we were upgraded to first class on our tiny plan on the way back — just under an hour of living in luxury! 

The next week, Ellie began kindergarten at Glebe in Ms. Stramaglia’s class and Myles became a “middle” at CCCC. His class is called the Puzzle Kitties but Myles calls his friends his mighty crew and after a brief period of adjustment to the upstairs classroom, seems to have settled in pretty well. His best buddies are M, a golden haired little girl, D, a little boy who joined CCCC at the end of last year, and L, a little boy who is the youngest of three. Our little guy is moving along with potty training and pull-up free during the day! He is a charming, loving little sweetheart—offering “huggies” aplenty to parents, teachers, and friends. He is a kindhearted little boy and so often shares with others so easily — he is happy to give away his French fries and his crayons. I feel a sense of music and dance in him — he often bounces gently through life in a way that he is challenging to capture in words. He also just loves to snuggle — “Can I sit in your wap?” He make friends easily. He is interested in books and beginning to learn his letters—something I think we should be working with him on more than we are. And he is lapping it up in the pool at Goldfish Swim School alongside his sister. 

The kids seem to take turns being in periods of disregulation. Which means that I am frequently looking for a therapist for someone! In the spring, following his third birthday, it was Myles. But Myles seems to have settled and since August, Ellie has been sailing choppy seas as she adjusts to kindergarten.

There are 22 kids in her class, according to her — I think there are a few more — and her teacher is a first year teacher who is is Type A and I’m the ball but not particularly warm and fuzzy and perhaps lacks the wisdom of a teacher who has guided five year olds for decades. Ellie prefers the aide, Ms. Smith, an older woman who has cats and who Ellie says is loving. I see so much less of the internal workings of Ellie’s school than I saw in kindergarten. I see her chaotic, stressed energy at the end of the day—when she has pushed and pushed and has no emotional regulation energy left. Kindergarten is much more structured and academic than CCCC — obviously. I don’t think she feels known in the same way, because she is not. We have tried to keep some continuity—ballet classes with W on Saturdays and playdates with Chomper friends. She had two birthday parties this year — a party at Hayes Park with her kindergarten friends and a party with a pony dressed as a unicorn with her chomper friends the next day. It does occur to me that we need to do less in the coming year. 2022 was just so much. I do think that Ellie is adjusting. She is slow to warm and found a “best” friend, Z, immediately—she’d met her on the playground before kindergarten. But that bond was announced more quickly than it actually formed and it is yet unclear how compatible the girls are. A security blanket friendship — I know them well. I remember that even this early, friendships can feel like a lot to navigate. We do a lot of our growing as we explore these early relationships, but it can be painful. I remember the Cup of Jo advice to take these hurts seriously—I remember how sharp they felt when I was young and how new I was to coping with feelings like shame, rejection, hurt, uncertainty. 

I think the best we can be is their safest, most loving place. The world outside can be a lot, even for children like ours, who have so much. They will still navigate questions about who they are, whether they are liked and loved, what they are good at, whether they are “enough” — they will study for tests, and measure and be measured, and make and lose friends, and perhaps have their first lives while under our roof. I want them to feel loved and cared for and listened to. A tall order. And not what Nitin and I model towards each other, sadly. A work in progress. 

I know that my bright, salty, funny, brilliant, tall, beautiful girl will find her footing. She will gain confidence as she learns to read, trusts her friendships, finds her groove. And I am looking for a good therapist to help. Or even a high school girl who can hang with her after school occasionally to work on reading or do art projects. 

She has made great strides with swimming, she adores unicorns, and she is so much more articulate than her years. She is six, with big feelings, and still working on the toolkit she will use to navigate those feelings — but she is smarter and wiser than six, and such ab keen observer. Like me, she is always wondering if she is loved, and reaching out for validation. I see a fair amount of myself in her, but she has her own special alchemy. 

I am so proud of both children, for being exactly themselves. How different they are. I hope that they remain friends always. 

And Nitin and I are fine. Nitin is running, running, running. He works for a Canadian tech company these days. I would not say either of us is at peak joy. We enjoy our date nights. We had two hotel night dates since late July, at Four Seasons to celebrate Nitin’s 40th birthday, and at the Ritz, to celebrate my 38th. I visited Charleston with the GW girls in October. 

And I was promoted to replace my boss when he retired. I am learning to balance work and life in this new role. It has been a challenge. There is always more to do at work, at home, with the kids. So I have been reading less, spending less time with friends, etc. I want to try to remind myself to prioritize joy and wellbeing in 2023. As I get close to 40, I get closer to releasing the clamp off all of shields, the desire for gold stars, the unceasing hamster wheel of pursuing external validation. That will never be enough; it is not designed to be. The path to peace is my own certainty in the rightness of my choices for my family and for me. Even if they do not make everyone happy. Which they will not. If the family is happy and healthy, we are heading in the right direction. That’s the North Star. A few quotes we've noted in recent months below.

• Ellie, posing hypotheticals to Nitin --
• Would you rather Myles burn in a fire or me?
• Would you rather burn your face with hot lava face or never have coffee again?
• Would you rather step on a nail for 120 seconds or have no coffee?
• Would you rather give up Ellie any Myles or coffee, forever?

• When brushing Myles's teeth, he prefers you to ask him whether he wants you to do it the "hard way," "the easy way," "the fast way," "the gentle say," or "the slow way." He always picks "the gently way."

• Ellie, giving Myles an education in dental hygiene - 
• Ellie - Don’t eat that. You’ll get a cavity.
• Myles - What happens if I get a cavity?
• Ellie - You’ll have to get a filling. I think it’s strawberry.

• Ellie, on other peoples' feelings - 
• Me - I think that you may be hurting daddy’s feelings.
• Ellie - I don’t care about daddy’s feelings. I only care about my feelings.
• Mommy - is that nice, though?
• Ellie - I think it’ll be fine for one day.

• Much like Ellie loves for me to tell her Elliefish Jellyfish stories, Myles enjoys stories about Olive the Octopus, who is Zoe Labradoodle's best friend. They often feature visits to the hospital; Myles is still processing his April 2022 hospital visit. 
• Me - Olive the octopus went to the hospital and needed a band aid.
• Myles - Eight band aids.

• Myles went to therapy with "Ms. Amy" for a while this year, while he was in the throes of the threes. They read books about feelings, played with toys, and learned breathing exercises. He is also learning about boundaries and hugging at school. One day he was sad when I picked him up, because he is learning to ask for permission before giving hugs, and his friend, a little girl named M, had said no. M clarified that his teacher had said he could still hug M, but she had to say yes first.
• M - I wanted to give M a hug and she said no. So I was sad. Can we go to Ms. Amy tomorrow? 

• Myles is developing some amusing new catchphrases. For a while, it was, "Silly me!" And he actually used it in appropriate contexts. He also frequently says "of course," in such a heartwarming voice. For example, "Mylesy, do you want to come to the store with me?" "Of course!" 

• Ellie was talking about how she is not into Pokémon, though some of her preschool friends are: "I have to admit, they are cute." I had never heard her say, "I have to admit..." before. 

• Ellie, exasperated with Myles, asked him, "Have you ever thought that I might be happier if I were an only child?" No response from Myles. 

• I was talking to Ellie about what she does when she feels frustrated. She said it depends on the context. At home, she cries. At school, she "pushes all of the feelings down" because she "doesn't want anyone to fight with me." Yes, we are looking for a therapist. 

• Myles was not initially pleased about being in the middles class. To help with his adjustment, I asked, "What can I tell your teachers?" Myles responded, without missing a beat: “I don’t want to come to your school!”

• Myles is very into preparing pretend food in his kitchen. Because he is such a considerate guy, he is happy to cook according to dietary specifications.
• M: Mama, I have some hot chicken soup for you! [holding a pot with pretend fish and graham crackers in it] 
• B: But Mylsey, I'm a vegetarian!
• M: Fresh, hot lentil soup for you! [holding the same pot under my nose] 

• Ellie continues to experience bouts of middle-aged ennui, but is ever pragmatic. 
• Nitin: So how are you feeling about the world?
  Elie: Eh, things could be better, but I still have a lot to be grateful for.

• The kids are close with one another. While driving each other up a wall, of course. Ellie asked for a friendship bracelet for Christmas, so that she could give Myles the other one.

• Myles has recently learned to express his frustration with us by threatening to run away to his new home in Vermont. But when we ask if he can join him, he cheerfully tells us we are welcome.