You can only take care of your child as well as you take care of yourself. I should not have needed to prove this to myself through firsthand experience. Millions of parents discovered this before me. They advised us, so frequently, with meaningful eye contact, to put on our own air mask first. I coasted through the first year so much better than I had expected -- not that there were not moments, there were definitely moments. You know the moments I am referring to. But I hit a snag the spring after Ellie's first birthday. I caught colds and flus and felt exhausted and rundown all the time. We canceled so many plans we were looking forward to, and finally stopped rescheduling. I was hovering in burnout for months, while everyone else seemed to be enjoying their newly mobile toddlers. On the one hand, there may be times like these. And I tried hard to help myself. I went to a number of doctors, I wretchedly sobbed to Nitin more than once about how terrible I felt. I admitted to my therapist that I'd steered myself deep into the weeds. I needed more sleep. I needed to allow myself to take time off from work and from parenting, to rest. I needed to take very gentle, radical care of myself. I needed to realize that mothers are allowed the full range of emotions, and that allowing myself the full range of my human experience would not deeply wound my child. I also needed meditation, vitamins, allergy medication. And I needed patience, because hard times visit us, but they often move on. Perhaps I needed a nudge from an antidepressant, but I avoided that yet again. There may yet come a time for it. But the lesson here was, lean as far into caring for yourself as you must. We do is children no favors by running ourselves into the ground.
I learned that in parenting, too, seasons always come and go. Ellie openly favors one parent, and then the other. She hates toothbruhing and will not stand for it until she starts asking for her own toothbrush (the purple one) having made a tentative peace with oral hygiene.
As Ellie enters the toddler phase, and becomes more adept at verbal communication, a few pieces of advice from others have been incredibly helpful. As we learned when our children were infants, first week the obvious explanation when a child is exhibiting challenging behavior. A child who is hungry, who is exhausted, or unconfortable will share her displeasure with the world. But beyond that, I look to the strength of the bond between Ellie and I when her behavior veers off course. She is often letting me know that our connection is faltering, and she needs my patience, my concern, my affection or my full attention. When I give those things, she is able to become more calm and reconnect. My favorite blogger shared her mother's simple advice -- take the joys and concerns of your children very seriously. Take her seriously enough to bend to her level to ask a question, or explain a rule. Keep a soft, calm voice. Children look to us to let them know if something is wrong.
I am running out of wakefulness, but before I sign off, I'll add these briefly. There is so much emphasis on finding the mom tribe, immediately, with whom you can text in the middle of the night about acid reflux or breastfeeding woes. It sounds lovely, and I do condone joining groups and seeking opportunities to connect. But the pressure to make extremely close friends, or else, in the midst of everything else on my plate, was daunting. My advice is to do your best, without forcing things, and be patient. Some things take time. Some people get luckier than others in the new mom friend lottery. Either way, continue to enjoy the friendships you already cherish, regardless of surgery they are mothers, or mothers of children the same age. Do not compare your social circle to anyone else's -- especially that of a family with older kids.
My last thought. Do what you need to do so that everyone gets add much of what they need as possible. Sleep as much as you can, even if it means naps, taking shifts, sleeping in separate beds. Make exercise happen. Get outside. Eat some vegetables. Take one day, or hour, at a time, when necessary.
