Ellie is a busy little bee these days. She is not quite walking, and she is not enthusiastic about unassisted standing, but honestly...I think she can do it. She cruises like a champ. And sometimes when she is "walking" with my help, she barely holds my hands.
We are noticing her language skills growing, and when I drive her home each day, she calls out, "ma ma ma," from the back seat. She generally is a wonderful night sleeper, but last night, she woke up around 2am and the only way I could get her back to sleep was too snuggle with her in our bed. I worried, of course, that she would wake up without my noticing and crawl off the bed -- but it also reminded me of some very sweet early nights with her. When we woke this morning, we opened our eyes and she looked at me from a few inches away, lying in my chest, and gave me a sweet smile. A very tiring night, but it melted my heart.
I also have noticed how much she likes to go exploring. Unlike me, perhaps, she is so much happier if we go out on a weekend adventure instead of hanging out in the living room. On Sunday, we went to church and the Portrait Gallery, and she was thrilled.
She is definitely not a shrinking violet -- I love that about her. She expresses hurt feelings, glee, indignation and desire loudly. She feels her feelings strongly, and that is nothing new to me, of course. At the same time, and I think people can overlook this in people who are bold, she is very tender and attached, and she can be cautious. My mother in law called her a fighter the other day, but I do not think that is quite right -- she is passionate and also in her own way, sensitive. And that is just who she is right now. I want to be protective of her as grows and I know that means being more careful not to slap labels on her myself, either.
Most importantly, she continues to be our greatest joy. She laughs all the time, she loves to look out the window like her labradoodle sister, she likes to overturn her toys so that she can examine the wheels. Her dislikes include having her coat put on, wearing socks or shoes, sitting in her carseat or stroller.
Every night, we listen to Great Big Stars -- she loves music, lives to dance and bounce to the beat -- and we say goodnight to the neighborhood before reading our goodnight story. And now she is snoozing soundly in my lap.
I still wonder what giving her a brother or sister would look or feel like. I wonder if I am getting it right. We all have our own struggles with this most important of roles. It is such an education in reminding yourself, again and again, to consider someone else first and foremost. There are a lot of good feelings in being a mother and loving someone more than you could have imagined. There are some hard feelings, also, particularly for moms who also work. Monday mornings can be so difficult.
It has been more difficult to give up by perfect ideal of motherhood than just about any other ideal I have held. I have learned a lot about stepping away from beauty ideals, from the idea of being at the very top of my profession, from the impossiblity of a lifelong storybook romance. But it was very hard to give up the idea of spending most of Ellie's first few years, at least, just with her. That mattered more to me than the others and I still struggle with it -- not helped but the tug of war over who is 'raising' Ellie, which I have hesitated to write about here. I think I will not write extensively, except to say, what an incredibly cruel thing, to try to diminish the purity of the bond between a mother and her child. Cruel to the mother, and cruel to the child. It is the most unkind thing I can remember anyone doing to me, and just thinking about it can make me tearful. I guess I am writing the stuff, in these sentences, that I cannot share with Ellie for many, many years, and may possibly never be useful to share. But I wanted a place to be honest. I have never had to rise above so much, but I have never, ever had a reason so very important. Beyond that, even though it hurts, I must reach further into my reserves, and try to model kindness, grace, and empathy, despite badly hurt feelings. My own mom showed this kind of character always, and never revealed the effort it required. I know now that many times, it must have been staggering.
A little more candor, a little less scrapbook, tonight, but this is part of the journey, too. Next up will be Christmas -- and hopefully I will post about that before Valentine's Day! PS I am sorry for not including more pictures -- the writing took a bit tonight, and it is getting late! Perhaps I'll do a pictures only post soon.
