Ellie is eleven weeks and six days old today! The big news in the past week is that Ellie's grandma visited, and it was such a joy to watch my mom and my daughter spend time together. Ellie, like everyone else, is smitten with my mom, who has decades worth of baby soothing tricks (and tricks for soothing people generally!) up her sleeves. Grandma sang songs from her considerable musical repertoire (including "Pony Girl" and verses to songs I've song for years that I never knew had another verse), whistled during diaper changes, and rocked baby Ellie to sleep, much to Ellie's delight.
Zoe, characteristically, was also so excited to see mom that she nearly jumped out of her curly brown Labradoodle coat. Thank goodness for mom that Zoe now manages to sleep solo -- but Zoe did manage to make her presence known by peeing on mom's bed during her visit. As always, mom was incredibly gracious, even though our home becomes a bit more like a zoo, with all of the accompanying noises and smells, by the day. If only I could tug on the fabric of the map of these United States and pull her Evanston neighborhood and our northern Virginia neighborhood right up alongside each other. But we are so grateful for her visits, and we will be visiting my parents in Chicago at the beginning of April, which is not so far away.
As a parting gift to mom, just before she had to leave for her flight, and right after Ellie's bath, I nicked Ellie's finger while cutting her fingernail, causing Ellie to bleed and scream bloody murder, and me to tearfully suggest a trip to the ER. (Mom persuaded me to call the pediatrician instead and rocked poor Ellie while I tried to reach them. All is well now -- Ellie breastfed until she fell asleep and she is lying in my lap napping now.)
Over the past week, Ellie has continued to grow more alert, and her personality seems to be emerging. She is strong and insistent, with very active arms and legs, and she prefers sitting straight up so that she can be part of the action. Perhaps for the same reason, she resists napping during the day, although she minds napping less when she falls asleep while breastfeeding and sleeps in my arms. We have noticed that she seems most cheerful and smiles most in the mornings. Like many babies, her witching hour occurs at night. As difficult as it is to persuade Ellie to nap during the day, it is always worthwhile if we can manage to persuade her -- her most despondent moods occur when she is overtired. When awake, she coos and practices chatting, and it seems as though she has a lot to say. During tummy time, she seems so eager to begin crawling, and I suspect that she will be ahead of the pack in acquiring that skill, if only out of sheer determination!
I notice at the group of new moms that I have been a part of for the last two months that so many of the moms seem so put together -- more put together as new moms, really, than I was before I was pregnant. They have hairstyles and coordinated outfits and their diaper bags seem fully stocked at all times. It is generally a terrible idea to compare your own insides to anyone else's outsides, and this is especially true in the realm of parenthood, but I cannot help but feel kind of ridiculous that I have never managed to shower before one of our 10am meetings, my hair is always pulled back, and I have frequently struggled to keep Ellie calm during our meetings.
I have had to learn new parenthood one day at a time. Some days I am able to make the bed, unload the dishwasher, elliptical and shower, and some days I am still wearing the shirt I slept in the night before by the end of the day. Today, I have a mild cold and have not showered and will be skipping the elliptical. I definitely am not at a crybaby matinee with new mom friends or touring a museum or taking a stroller-based fitness class. We have not mastered sleep yet -- I struggle with coaxing Ellie to nap during the day and her overnight sleep patterns change every night. I have not learned how to encourage her to play independently while I fold laundry or unload the dishwasher.
On sleep deprived days, I remind myself to keep taking this one day at a time. One day, our sleep schedules will be more reliable. This time, in which she nestles up against me after her bath for a nap, is precious. Our sweet little baby will crawl and scoot and say her first word and take her first steps and it will all go by in a flash. I want to remember the soft sound of her snoring, the generous dimples on her bowed legs, her quizzical expressions and furrowed brows and sweet, sweet smiles. These days when she looks at me I understand that she knows who I am. It makes my life more worthwhile than it has ever been. It fills my heart past bursting to love her so much.
I get the feeling that she is strong, and I am so grateful for it. I get the feeling that she will be busy in the world, and the world will be better for it. She sleeps longest when we hold her, and I know that just as she loves to receive love, she will give her own love beautifully. I feel such a fierce desire to make the world better and safer for her. More than I could have understood before I was her mother, I want to soften the edges of the moments in her life, to keep a careful vigil over her.
It will be wrenching to leave her when I must return to work. We never thoughtfully considered any alternative to that. Our mortgage requires my income. We will be paying back my substantial law school loans for several more years. Due in large part to the thoughtful and constant care of my own mother, I loved learning and studied diligently for twenty years before earning my law degree. I wonder now how I can nurture my own child as effectively while using these hard earned skills and credentials. Loving a child casts a career in a new light. I will not compare hours spent at the office to hours spent organizing my pantry or watching television or taking a walk. I will know that while I answer emails and phone calls she is pulling herself up to a stand or trying mashed bananas or swinging at the park. Whatever we do while our children are growing in their wonderment of the world had better be worth missing part of the greatest show on earth.
Our girl is teaching me patiently. She is cranky and overwhelmed when overtired; so am I. She changes constantly, as does parenthood itself. She is not susceptible to being mastered, but she is so ripe for being truly enjoyed. When meltdowns occur, as they must, we must slow down, listen, and show love; we must remember that most emergencies, thank goodness, are not.
I am so much looking forward to spring with our sweet girl. In no time at all, we will be hiking and enjoying picnics, feeding the ducks, visiting the zoo, and taking in Ellie's first baseball game. This is our time to be a family. These are our moments for loving each other well and taking in the joys of life, even as challenges also arise. Just as before we became parents, there will be days in which it is necessary to stop and start over. After breakfast is burned, finger nail clipping goes awry, or a dish is broken, it may be necessary to unplug for ten minutes and reboot -- as the always wise Anne Lamott has quipped, Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. And some days the wind is howling, someone has the sniffles, and everyone is just trying to get the hang of something new. I have decided that on such days it is enough to gently hibernate until the moment passes. Ellie, my dear peach, I am afraid that this is all I have to offer in the way of life philosophies, but perhaps I will learn more in time.
