One year old!

It became a little bit more difficult to post for a while, because we have had a lot to celebrate! Ellie turned one year old on Thanksgiving Day, and we celebrated her birthday with our families the following Saturday! Three was a fancy cake for the grown ups and a smaller chocolate smash cake from a box for Ellie, made by yours truly! Ellie's Grandma iced her cake, her Grandpa picked up flowers and helium balloons that are still floating and helped decorate, her daddy picked up District Taco for so in attendance, and her cousin Emma helped her to open presents! There is a very sweet video of her discovering chocolate -- when she finally eats some, she says, "wow..."

Ellie is a busy little bee these days. She is not quite walking, and she is not enthusiastic about unassisted standing, but honestly...I think she can do it.  She cruises like a champ.  And sometimes when she is "walking" with my help, she barely holds my hands.

We are noticing her language skills growing, and when I drive her home each day, she calls out, "ma ma ma," from the back seat.  She generally is a wonderful night sleeper, but last night, she woke up around 2am and the only way I could get her back to sleep was too snuggle with her in our bed.  I worried, of course, that she would wake up without my noticing and crawl off the bed -- but it also reminded me of some very sweet early nights with her.  When we woke this morning, we opened our eyes and she looked at me from a few inches away, lying in my chest, and gave me a sweet smile.  A very tiring night, but it melted my heart.

I also have noticed how much she likes to go exploring.  Unlike me, perhaps, she is so much happier if we go out on a weekend adventure instead of hanging out in the living room.  On Sunday, we went to church and the Portrait Gallery, and she was thrilled.

She is definitely not a shrinking violet -- I love that about her.  She expresses hurt feelings, glee, indignation and desire loudly.  She feels her feelings strongly, and that is nothing new to me, of course.  At the same time, and I think people can overlook this in people who are bold, she is very tender and attached, and she can be cautious.  My mother in law called her a fighter the other day, but I do not think that is quite right -- she is passionate and also in her own way, sensitive. And that is just who she is right now.  I want to be protective of her as grows and I know that means being more careful not to slap labels on her myself, either.

Most importantly, she continues to be our greatest joy.  She laughs all the time, she loves to look out the window like her labradoodle sister, she likes to overturn her toys so that she can examine the wheels.  Her dislikes include having her coat put on, wearing socks or shoes, sitting in her carseat or stroller. 

Every night, we listen to Great Big Stars -- she loves music, lives to dance and bounce to the beat -- and we say goodnight to the neighborhood before reading our goodnight story.  And now she is snoozing soundly in my lap. 

I still wonder what giving her a brother or sister would look or feel like.  I wonder if I am getting it right.  We all have our own struggles with this most important of roles.  It is such an education in reminding yourself, again and again, to consider someone else first and foremost.  There are a lot of good feelings in being a mother and loving someone more than you could have imagined. There are some hard feelings, also, particularly for moms who also work.  Monday mornings can be so difficult. 

It has been more difficult to give up by perfect ideal of motherhood than just about any other ideal I have held.  I have learned a lot about stepping away from beauty ideals, from the idea of being at the very top of my profession, from the impossiblity of a lifelong storybook romance.  But it was very hard to give up the idea of spending most of Ellie's first few years, at least, just with her.  That mattered more to me than the others and I still struggle with it -- not helped but the tug of war over who is 'raising' Ellie, which I have hesitated to write about here.  I think I will not write extensively, except to say, what an incredibly cruel thing, to try to diminish the purity of the bond between a mother and her child. Cruel to the mother, and cruel to the child.  It is the most unkind thing I can remember anyone doing to me, and just thinking about it can make me tearful.  I guess I am writing the stuff, in these sentences, that I cannot share with Ellie for many, many years, and may possibly never be useful to share.  But I wanted a place to be honest.  I have never had to rise above so much, but I have never, ever had a reason so very important.  Beyond that, even though it hurts, I must reach further into my reserves, and try to model kindness, grace, and empathy, despite badly hurt feelings.  My own mom showed this kind of character always, and never revealed the effort it required.  I know now that many times, it must have been staggering. 

A little more candor, a little less scrapbook, tonight, but this is part of the journey, too.  Next up will be Christmas -- and hopefully I will post about that before Valentine's Day! PS I am sorry for not including more pictures -- the writing took a bit tonight, and it is getting late! Perhaps I'll do a pictures only post soon.

Day 344

I have been lax in recording the last few weeks with Ellie!  And I am going to stop measuring her age in weeks, I think, because she is nearly a year old! (!!!) Two days ago, it was Halloween, about Ellie dressed as a butterfly.  We visited a few neighbors' houses and Ellie selected candy, and only cried at one house where the neighbor had a beard.  Exactly a year earlier, we abandoned our post handling out candy, and we drove to the pool so that I could do handstands while nothin held my feet.  The nest day, my birthday, I drive to the prenatal chiropractor.  None of that worked, and Ellie was born via Caesarean just over three weeks later.

And we have been learning ever since that she is going to do it her own way!  She is chatty and independent and a little bit fearless.  She crawls right out of eyeline at the library, without a care for losing her grown up in an unfamiliar environment.  At dinnertime, she wants to hold the spoon, and she will not let go -- but she doesn't have the ability to use the spoon to feed herself yet!

She also just loves to throw her head back and laugh, showing me her many, many teeth.  The laugh sounds like it belongs to am older child.  Lots of things make her laugh, but tickling her tummy or blueing raspberries on it are the most reliable.

She is able to stand on her own for a few seconds these days, but she does not do it often.  I think it is either a matter of confidence or simply a lack of inclination.  I admire her strong spirit.  Even when she has the smoothie, she always tries to 'play through it.'. It has been incredible to take in her transformation this year.  She is heading steadily toward toddler-hood.  Nothing stands still.

Here are a few photos of the past few weeks...

I love this thoughtful shot of her.

Here she is trying to free her labradoodle pal. They are a dangerous duo.

Looking so grown up.

Thrilled by books that make sounds.

This kiddo passed the eleven month mark!

Our eager greeting committee, hanging out on the doormat.

At a bunny birthday!

All dressed up for Halloween!

At the playground on an unusually warm November day!

Next up, our sweet baby turns one year old on Thanksgiving! 

Day 324

Ellie is 46 weeks and two days old! Whew. This kiddo is growing up so quickly.  More than quickly than most, even - a woman told us that Ellie is bigger than her nineteen month old! We have had a busy couple of weeks, and to be honest, I am looking forward to slowing down, enjoying the crisp addition weather, and not traveling until Christmas! But Ellie will have quite a few milestones before then -- her for first Halloween, first apples picking, first Thanksgiving, first birthday -- and maybe even some steps! She is standing with more ease now, though not independently, and she says mama and dada more deliberately. She waves goodbye, a bit inconsistently, by bending and of her fingers on one hand repeatedly.  Her personality remains buoyant, and her laugh is rich and easy -- may it always be so.  Her love affair with yogurt continues, but she is generally not a fussy eater. She enjoys bouncing, especially to music, and she holds her own bottle most of the time.  She continues to be a great sleeper, knock on wood.  Her grin is toothy -- she has six fully emerged teeth in the front -- and we made her first dental appointment before her first birthday.  We've got exciting plans for celebrating -- but I won't ruin any surprises!

Here are a few photos from the last couple of weeks with our girl...

Hiking with Dada... Usually results in a nap!

Hanging out in the nursery!

Silly faces and finally a smile!

We drove to Michigan for a wedding and someone was a model traveler!

Ellie checking out the goods from her first library book sale.

There were autumnal nature walks, of course.

And lots of strolling around Ann Arbor...

And a super fun visit to a museum in Ann Arbor!

Ellie took a driving shift on the way back.

I left Zoe and Ellie with Nitin to attend a wedding, and received this photo before the couple had even exchanged vows!

Beautiful, wise soul.

They are in cahoots, and we are in so much trouble.

Next up, Halloween!

Day 308

Ellie is exactly 44 weeks old! These days, she loves yogurt, traveling in Dad's hiking backpack, yanking grass, and pulling up to a stand! She loves to laugh and, true to her middle name, loves to play -- peekaboo is a favorite! We joke that she is a bruiser. Ellie is vocal and active and persistent -- no shrinking violets here! She continues to be a reliable night sleeper, knock on wood, and a great eater.  In addition to yogurt, she likes munching on puffs and teething biscuits.  She is growing by leaps and bounds!

Here are a few photos:

Ellie takes a break from dinner to pose for a picture!

I think I will see this thoughtful look on her face again, as she grows...

Ellie preferred this paper towel roll to her puzzle, but she chewed through it almost immediately, and it had to be confiscated!

We took a little overnight trip to Shenandoah, and Ellie enjoyed some time outdoors.

Ellie kept me company on this Metro ride -- her second ever!

Ten month old baby!

Next up, possibly a baseball game with Ellie this weekend, and a trip to Ann Arbor next weekend!

Day 293

Ellie is 41 weeks and six days old! What a marvel. Is she reaching that age when it seems laughable to calculate in weeks?  I may hold on a bit longer.  Our kiddo has such a distinctive chuckle now -- and sometimes, when she is really delighted, she lets out a peal of laughter that sounds like it could belong to a much older child.  These situations usually involve her much abused puppy partner in crime, the incredibly patient Zoe.  She especially delights in episodes that drive me bananas, like chasing a bounding Zoe around the coffee table dozens of times with Ellie on my hip, in an effort to rescue some item turned chew toy.

I am beginning to realize that Ellie understands so much more than we think she does.  She trills mamama for me and dadada for Nitin.  She is learning to wave goodbye and she definitely understands no, though it typically only causes her to briefly pause before continuing to pursue Zoe's water bowl, an electrical outlet, etc.  She has very strong opinions -- does not like to be buckled into *anything* for example, be it stroller, high chair, carseat, changing table. Once buckled, she resigns herself to her fate, but she does hate losing her mobility, which is quite reasonable -- and also, of course, totally necessary to preserve her safety!

It may be my imagination, but she seems more interested in books these days, too -- be still my heart! She delights in her nightly baths, and I have had to learn to carefully negotiate the end of bath time. I pull the plug and try to wait to lift her out until she is squirming or trying to stand.  Sometimes, our timing is off, and she starts spinning in her little blue tub before bathtime is over!

We had a picnic with a mom friend and her son recently, and Ellie was shy at first, facing in the opposite direction.  When she finally faced him, she enthusiastically thrust her fingers toward his eyes -- FRIEND! I so recognize this shyness partnered with a burst of uncontained excitement.  I know the world may try to dial her back if she remains so bold and vibrant.  But to me, this little girl bursting with enthusiasm and feelings strongly felt is completely beautiful.

I read a piece recently by a parent of several children with disabilities -- often such incredible role models for all parents -- and she so thoughtfully and lovingly described each of her children. Then she said, in this house, no one apologizes for who they are.  That seemed to me like such an excellent aim for any family.

It is possible to start wincing and worrying over our children so early.  My mother in law reported, she definitely wants her own way all the time.  But I am grateful for the strength and confidence I perceive in Ellie.  I think the goal is to teach and guide and listen without ever shaming.  (Good luck. Ha!)

So we have this sweet, wonderful person in our lives, who is just obsessed with peekaboo, who searches doggedly for mama or dada when she hears a voice and does not see the corresponding face.  She is still quite chatty and she may not realize yet that she is usually not speaking a language we understand? These days, she loves yogurt, playing with radiators, pulling Zoe's tail and yanking grass out of the ground.  Her sweet smiling face is easily the loveliest thing I've ever seen...

Here are some photos of the past few weeks...

Just a little light reading...

A baby's work is never done.

This looks almost good enough to eat!

Extra bubbles, please.

I swear that we found her like this.  We are not emulating Anne Geddes or anything. But obviously we photographed her before removing her from the remote control basket...

This girl sure loves her dada.

I don't know about you, but I'm about done with this bath!

I accidentally picked a photo with a shoe in the corner, but there were other shoeless pictures also.  Nice picnic on the riverfront with K&J and kids.

I admit that I took this myself.  I just wanted to capture one of these many moments cuddling Ellie to sleep.  It is just the two of us, and I hope I can remember the feeling of her warm weight in my arms forever.

Sometimes, we get really angry right around dinnertime and scream instead of eating. Happens to the best of us!

She very sweetly paused her grass yanking activities to pose for this photo.

Big shoes to fill -- dada shoes, of course!

Day 279

Ellie is 39 weeks and 6 days old today! People ask me about how she is doing all the time. And I tell them, she is incredible, which is true. I tell them she is a wonderful, wonderful baby.  Our wonderful baby is inching closer toward walking in very tiny steps -- she cannot yet stand on her own, but she is experimenting with it for a second at a time. She cannot pull up by herself yet, but she often holds on with just one hand -- be still my heart!

She has boundless energy -- I sometimes refer to her as the other labradoodle.  She remains constantly on the move. She turns when we say her name, or no no, but she just gives me an enormous, knowing grin and then turns back to her destination and keeps crawling. Her destination is often an outlet or a room no one is in or a stairwell, of course.  She delights in pulling on strings and cords of all types -- from the innocuous strings that hang from my sweatshirt to the strangulation hazard blinds cords and any type of electrical cord, but preferably one that is plugged in.

She is a very happy girl, and she is showing more interest in books these days.  We have kept up with our nightly reading and we are making more trips to the library. We are also building and maintaining our little village of family, friends and community members.

I can see some of myself in her, I think, though that can be a dangerous game.  She is her own thing. We must be always ready to celebrate qualities in her that seem to have sprung out of nowhere.  And parents have to be so careful not to constrain their children by projecting their own ideas about themselves onto their children.  What I see though, is a strong person who is thrilled to be alive, with an array of equally strong feelings that all demand to be expressed.

Our challenges now are finding balance in our hectic lives and bringing our best selves to our family. I am so keenly aware of time spent away from Ellie, and I fantasize about a life that would give me more time with her. I cannot believe how quickly this first year has gone. Maybe that is one reason to table a bit of a time before adding a sibling -- more time to spend, more energy to invest, in both kids.  But it is a balance of many factors, of course.

As for our best selves, I just want to show up and be calm and kind and centered and steady everyday.  Some of those qualities can be challenging for me, but I keep trying.  I am not a particularly young mom, but Ellie and i are both growing up and growing into ourselves.

For now, I can report that our girl is healthy and happy and curious.  She is very attached to a small number of people and has some trouble separating from them.  She seems very comfortable with her Nani and I am grateful that she has spent this time soaking up so much extra love.  I am mindful that her next chapter will be upon us before we know it.  Here are some pictures from the last couple of weeks...

Fun with numbers...

This walking toy is ten percent useful, ninety percent terrifying!

Mommy went to a Mystics WNBA game and all I got was this light up bracelet!

We offered Ellie a refreshing slice of lemon, and the results were mixed.

So much more engaged with her toys recently, and this is one of her favorites.

I wore this apron one day just so Ellie could play with the strings.

Nine month old baby girl!! So grown up, not a tiny baby anymore.

Blueberries are a big hit but did you ever realize they stain everything they touch? I think it must be all of those antioxidants.

82nd percentile for height and weight!

Ellie was preparing to play her new fun game, which involves dropping toys onto stairwell from hallway.  Oops!

Final swim lesson! A young Katie Ladecky, basically.

I thought it might be fun to let Ellie feed herself some avocado mash.  She managed to encrust her entire face and eyebrows but it was worth it -- she obviously really enjoys making a mess, like any respectable baby.

The welcoming crew.

We only show our belly to our most trusted friends.

Ellie loved this shiny book -- she tilts it back and forth to watch it shimmer.

 Next up, Autumn: pumpkins, Halloween, leaf peeping, apple picking and sweater weather. Someday she may ask me what all the other seasons are for, and I'll tell her they are just to make sure that we do not take autunn for granted.