On the Eve of 2025

 I write to you from the winding roads between Deep Creek, Maryland, and Arlington, Virginia. Cell reception is sparse, so I do not know when I penned my last update. So perhaps I will begin with a brief year in review. 

Whew. A lot happened in 2024! We planned to engage with design/build firms to renovate our home. And we did have those conversations but the process seemed onerous. We put an offer on a new home in February and moved into our new home in April instead. Surprise! Moving was, as it always is, labor intensive. Nitin traveled a fair amount this year. I struggled with anxiety. I increased my SSRI dose and went back to weekly therapy. I received an accommodation to work in my office downtown just once per week. And I overcame significant anxiety to fly to Paris! Nitin went back to PT after some injury setbacks. And work has been crazy for both of us, for different reasons. So that’s the grown ups. 

But more importantly, the kids! Myles finished up at CCCC this year. His colorful sky painter friends were a beloved crew. He loved his teachers and the lackadaisical, freewheeling vibe of CCCC—lots of play and outdoor time, light on the academics. Myles has always loved to learn and he’s a very bright kid. That piece of kindergarten has slotted in very smoothly. Myles has quickly become a skilled reader and his teacher has given only excellent reports on his behavior at school. Myles also warms up very quickly to new friends, pairing up with new buddies at Glebe easily. Unlike Ellie, he delights in extended day after school and enthusiastically signs up for enrichment classes every day of the week. But the transition has been taxing for Myles in ways that are more evident at home. His big feelings have grown more quickly than he always knows how to keep up with. He asked us for a therapist he could discuss his feelings with (!) and of course, we happily obliged. He’ll start seeing his new therapist in the next few weeks. I remember similar growing pains when Ellie was mid kindergarten. It is sometimes hard for us to find ways to gently give him the boundaries he needs and we have struggled as parents to know the right way to deal with extra salty sass and formidable reticence to follow instructions. This is a learning curve for all of us. I continue to believe that taking care of our special bond and showing love is the foundation of giving him the support he needs. I love to see his curiosity continue to grow and his expansive knowledge on so many subjects is delightful. Myles’s enthusiasm for soccer and his natural athleticism have also been a treat to watch this year as he played hours first season on the Optimists. He runs, jumps, fences, plays floor hockey — he just loves to move. And he is still my ever generous sweet little guy, sharing cornbread with his sister when she drops hers, nuzzling with his nose to show affection, and giving the biggest bear hugs. We love this guy so much and we’re so proud of him. 

And Ellie! Ellie began the year in first grade and she has grown so much, in so many ways, in these twelve months. Ellie has grown into her friendships this year, more intentionally choosing friends who are kind to her and share her interests, and allowing more distance in a friendship she’d outgrown. I’m very proud of her for setting this boundary, learning so young a lesson that I struggled with for so much longer. And how lucky are those she chooses to be her friends. Ellie is kind, loving, whip smart, and funny companion, simply wonderful company in every situation. I just adore her. She is warm, imaginative, and a gifted artist. She is exceptionally observant and far beyond her years in her skill in reading the room. There is a brand of empathy that cannot be taught, which Ellie has in spades. Ellie began seeing an excellent art therapist this year who earned a rare and instant Ellie seal of approval. Her therapist shared with me that she’d asked Ellie, how would I feel in XYZ situation, and Ellie responded gently, I know that I would feel this way, but you have your own feelings and reactions that could be different from mine. That seems straightforward but so many adults lack that mindset, the awareness that each person is experiencing their own rich inner world that is not a complete facsimile of what we ourselves are experiencing. I have also loved seeing her dedication to her interests. Yesterday marked a 175 day streak of learning French on Duolingo. She is a whiz at math and is a talented and enthusiastic artist. Her IBS abated towards the end of the year, and she rediscovered the joy of eating her favorite foods. She’s also a goofy sweetheart who loves her many squishmallows, her sweet doodles, and snuggling with us. We absolutely love her to the moon!

In addition to moving this year, we traveled a bundle! We visited our beloved creek house in Charlottesville for spring break in March. In April, we “moved house,” and in May, we flew to Boston for the weekend to celebrate Nitin’s 20 year reunion at Harvard. In June, we visited the Broadmoor in Colorado, where Nitin had a conference and the kids went to a camp that invited a falconry session. In June, Grandma & Grandpa visited while Nitin was traveling, and in July, we saw Taylor Swift in Amsterdam and visited Paris. In August, we drove to Bentonville, VA and went rafting, climbing, and horseback riding just before the start of the school year. In October, we visited Grandma & Grandpa in Chicago and checked out the Art Institute and the Chicago Botanic Garden. In November, we visited Turks & Caicos on my 40th birthday, on the eve of the presidential election, which is its own can of worms that I cannot possibly open at this moment. Suffice to say, we have devastated, frightened, dumbfounded, and uncertain hours to move forward, but we move forward each day nonetheless. In December, I flew to St. Louis to see my GW girls and Nitin and the kids headed to the creek house. The holidays looked different than we expected, due to an onslaught of germs, but we still made it to Deep Creek for hiking and snow tubing. 

Is this a completely comprehensive summary? Not remotely. I am sure that though I included minute details in some places, I omitted major plot points in others. I hope that I still managed to the spirit of the year. Which, candidly, was — swift chaos, jam-packed, a ribbon of anxiety braided through, but also plenty of joy, affection, and laughter. I hope that 2025 will bring slow moments of joy and connection, patience with ourselves and each other. I have been noodling on my own word of the year — slow and less come to mind. But it’s really about making thoughtful and intentional choices rather than living reflexively or reactively. Spending time together. 

More rest, snuggling, reading, walks, cooking, pausing. 

Less screens, Amazon purchases, obligatory yeses, shame, rushing, doing without thinking. 

Wishing a happy, whole-hearted, thoughtful new year to all. 

Quotes

Myles: "I thought I had diabetes when I was 18. These pine cones make good alcohol."

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Ellie, after N gave her a lecture about discipline: "“I’ve seen you eat two ice cream sandwiches and a square of chocolate in a single day.”

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N: "I don’t like that precedent."

M: "You’re not the president! Mommy is the president!"

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M (after getting a timeout): You have Terrible Daddy Syndrome!

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M calls the Mercedes symbol a "windmill" 

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Notes from Myles's last parent/teacher conference at CCCC:

• Difficulty with volume regulation ("The loudest person I have ever met")
• Speaks very quickly and speaks during class
• Doesn't like art
• "Brilliant"
• Does "the face" when redirected
• Hard to pick an activity after naptime

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M: “You can never trust a little guy!” 

M: "There are 100 ways to make me sad."  

11/10/24: the kids are holding an election upstairs. ellie casts her vote for kamala harris. myles casts his vote for sharkie.

ellie: so you would vote for a shark for president over kamala harris? the shark will just eat everyone?

myles: so???

Myles, after having GI issues overnight: mama, can I have water, so I stay hydrated, and an apple, to keep my energy up? 

The children had a GI bug, watched Home Alone repeatedly, recovered, and then booby trapped or laundry room using Christmas ribbon and a bag clip

Shoyces Abroad!

 Bonjour! Though we have spent most of our trip so far in Amsterdam. The Dutch language is less accessible than French, and we are driving to Paris now, via Antwerp and another Belgian city I cannot hope to pronounce or spell correctly. 

So. We left home at 3pm on Wednesday for Dulles airport and flew to Paris on Air France. I cannot overstate how terrified I had been of this flight for the preceding seven months. I used to joke that there was not enough Xanax on earth to fly me over the Atlantic. It turns out that there is. But I still must credit myself for pulling my shaking, sweaty body on the plane. It also turns out that sitting in the first row of business class alleviates my social anxiety and claustrophobia greatly. I did not require champagne, a three course dinner, or even the cozy slippers the airline provided. But I greatly benefited from the impression of sufficient oxygen. I watched a few episodes of Bridgerton and passed out for 3.5 hours, waking 20 minutes before landing. Chef’s kiss and the last thing I expected. Sorry, sorry. This is meant to be an account of our family vacation, but I had to begin by noting that it may not have happened this way, without a kick of courage.

We arrived at our temporary home in Amsterdam 18 hours after bidding the dogs goodbye. We tromped around to a nearby park and the Albert Heijn grocery in an effort to stay awake. A few things about Amsterdam. So many bicycles. Was not clear to me that many were even locked when not in use. So few cars for a city of that size. The bicyclists did not wear helmets. Maybe helmets for kids, sometimes? Public transit was also hopping. We took the tram and walked everywhere we went. 

We found the Dutch to be relatively friendly. I did notice that the Dutch never moved an inch to accommodate anyone walking in the opposite direction on a sidewalk. And some folks literally pushed me to get where they were going. But in other ways, we found the Dutch to be extraordinarily accommodating and generous. At the science museum, a presenter polled the group to see if anyone did not speak Dutch, and finding that a relatively small minority only spoke English, delivered his entire presentation in both Dutch and English. The U.S. would never. On our way back from the Taylor Swift concert on our last night, the train conductor spontaneously invited our children to come to the front of the train and drive. They were absolutely delighted. 

As Nitin had noted, in Canada, life is about 90% the same as the U.S. I believe he estimated that life was about 20% the same in Amsterdam, which seemed low to me, but there certainly were notable differences. I should caveat that we experienced roughly 48 hours of life in Amsterdam, and the slice we sampled may not have been representative.

At one point, a tour guide pointed out a sign that read, in Dutch, fuck the housing market. This sentiment is not entirely surprising to me given what I observed of the housing stock. Nitin searched high and low for our Airbnb, and we landed in a home shared by a divorcee and her two children, which they vacated periodically for Airbnb guests. Our kids enjoyed the ample supply of toys. The home was friendly and creatively decorated, if quite hastily cleaned before our arrival. The main floor of the home is basically a storefront with a giant window that opens to the street. We learned that the Dutch have a cultural preference of keeping their drapes open to show they have nothing to hide. We tired of being gazed upon in the main living area by passersby and drew the drapes. All bedrooms in the house were subterranean. To lighten the basement quarters, the main level included several glass panels installed as flooring. 

The place bore hallmarks of storefront that was only moonlighting as a residence. The toilets were housed in different rooms than the showers.  The stairs were narrow and irregularly shaped. The wall in our bedroom jutted out above the only outlet. We ended up smacking knees, heads, and elbows repeatedly. The home was likely glad to see me go. On my first night, I accidentally shorted out half the electricity in the house by attempting to use an American heating pad. We did not spend much time in the garden behind the house, but it was lovely. The rain was never far away when we were in Amsterdam.

We visited a science museum on Thursday, followed by a very soggy and blustery tour of the city’s many canals. Boats provide yet another form of non-car transportation—and also housing. After a houseboat boom, the city restricted the number of houseboats permitted to 2,500. Still quite a few more houseboats than I am accustomed to seeing! We began our tour in the red light distract and I got a glimpse of one of the ladies working in a window. Per our guide, the ladies work near a childcare center and a church, so that patrons can drop off their children, visit the ladies, and pray for their sins. I have no idea if she was joking, but those businesses were in fact located quite close to each others! The kids weathered the messy weather fairly well. The guides assured us that this was a typical Amsterdam in July and I could not help but feel cognitive dissonance. Back at home, there was a heat index of 112 the same day. Later that day, Nitin and the kids hunted down croissants and hot chocolate. They dined in a Thai cafe down the street. 

We keep explaining to the kids that there are many buildings in Europe that much older than 

what we are used to seeing at home. Like a castle, built in 1200, that we visited today in Antwerp. We cannot help but notice that many things seem smaller in Europe, too. The guest towels provided by our host were the size of American hand towels. The capacity of the washer and dryer was less than half that of our machines at home. Paradoxically, each load required many hours to fully dry. Also smaller: IKEA glasses, sinks, serving sizes. 

I know. This is very on brand—a fussy, poorly traveled American squawking about small towels. Notwithstanding my tendency to pick things apart, we did enjoy Amsterdam. 

Yesterday, we visited the exterior of the house that Anne Frank lived in before her deportation. I photographed the house, inadvertently capturing other tourists who were snapping smiling selfies in front of the house, which was jarring. We have taken our fair share of selfies, and I couldn’t explain why we needed to capture the likeness of our family in front of a cathedral that is centuries older than the country we live in. That somehow seems less crass than a smiling selfie in front of Anne Frank’s house, but perhaps I am mistaken. As we strolled those streets, I thought of her footsteps on the very same bricks, considered her view of the canal from her front windows. We skipped the museum. We thought our children too young to hear about the atrocities children in that neighborhood had experienced. 

We did allow the children to hear about the colorfully tragic life of Vincent Van Gogh, however. Our delightful guide, Maryanne, managed to capture their—and our—attention for a full hour. Van Gogh lent his assistance by living and painting so vividly. Everyone remembers that Van Gogh chopped his own ear off—though there was no mention of him mailing said ear to a prostitute. I had not known that Van Gogh only painted for ten years—from 27 to 37. He began at 27, following a string of 10 failed attempts to launch other careers. He began with dark paintings modeled after Rembrandt, but thankfully discovered brighter colors—yellow, so much yellow—and painted seven separate portraits of sunflowers. He developed an absinthe problem, then quit the absinthe but remained terribly unstable. His brother Theo kept him afloat in many ways over the years, eventually finding a hospital where Vincent could reside safely. In periods of mania, he painted prolifically—75 paintings in 70 days. In dark periods, he could not paint and tried to kill himself by ingesting paint chips. The paint chips failed, but eventually, Vincent succeeded, shooting himself in the chest in a field of wheat. Vincent died an outcast, with no reputation to speak of in the art world. Theo died six months later.

We took two trains to see Taylor later that night. I have less to say about the concert. Not because I was underwhelmed. It was exactly as expected, and could only have been improved had Travis Kelce, who was in attendance, made a dramatic cameo on stage. Her costumes dazzled; the lights, dancers, and set were spectacular; and I was reminded that Taylor, while not Beyoncé, actually has a beautiful voice. I respect her work ethic most of all. She came on at precisely 7:25 and played until 10:45, exactly as she had done each previous night. She clearly had a cold—blew her nose several times when she was near her piano—but nonetheless ran, climbed, strutted, and danced up and down the stage for 3+ hours continuously. She even added an unaccompanied acoustic session at the end “to challenge herself,” and honestly, as rich as she is, being Taylor Swift seems challenging enough, at least to me. The volume of her musical catalog itself also speaks to her focused energy. 

We were predictably exhausted when our driver arrived this morning to take us to Paris, but there has been plenty of napping in the car. We arrive at 4:30. French election results are in at 8pm tonight, in an interesting twist of circumstances. Nitin’s European colleagues suggested that we plan to be in for the night by then, in case there is a public reaction to the results.

So, that is my accounting of our European adventure thus far. I’m glad we came. We had a memorably delicious lunch at a cafe in a small Belgium town that lacked English menus today. I would not go as far as to say that life begins outside of one’s comfort zone. I’m not a fridge magnet. Taking the dog for a walk on our street is also life. The beauty in the mundane is ever more apparent to me as I age. But stretching gives us more to think about. And it is a thrill to experience a new place at nearly 40. To learn that the Dutch pronounce fuck the same way we do, sometimes loudly and on public transportation. To marvel at how plastic caps remain affixed to bottles in Europe. To realize my world is a vanishingly small part of the world at large. And to plant that seed of an idea our children, who are otherwise very much in danger of believing that their bubble is the world itself. 

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The first half of 2024!

 Welp! I believe that the six months since my previous post, in December 2023, is the longest gap yet on this blog. I didn’t realize just how quickly the time was passing, but June (!) is upon us. 

In fairness, these five months have been action packed. We began the year expecting to learn more about possible renovation options for our long-time home at 4525 16th Street N. We met with one delightful design build firm and one that was less of a fit. But questions multiplied and as the potential scope of the project — and budget — grew, my eyes wandered to nearby real estate listings. And by the end of April, we’d “moved house” to 1601 N. Stafford. Still within the Glebe school zone and just a block from the high school the kids will attend. Wow. We are still settling in, but the house is lovely, and we’ve been enjoying the new patio — and the spring weather —  by dining al fresco.

Also difficult to believe that within months, Myles will be wrapping up his time at CCCC—Clarendon Childcare Center, our crunchy co-op preschool, housed in a slowly crumbling local church. The preschool feels like a time capsule, in ways—aging fixtures, dull linoleum, a scent that is vaguely similar the smell of the preschool that I attended as a child. Packed to the brim with wooden blocks, books, and sundry items that could perhaps become a component of a future craft projects. So a preschool that could plausibly be featured on a hoarding reality show but is also adept at hanging on to their wonderful, tight-knit start of teachers. At least one of our children has attended for the past five years. We weathered Covid here — heated debates about re-opening, masks v no masks, testing regimens, even a brief and disastrous stint of virtual preschool when Ellie was newly three. I co-chaired the community engagement board, we trekked to Potomac Vegetable Farm, we learned about mindful moments, the waving window, and balloon breaths. We came here for the sense of community and the quality of the teaching. And earning my co-op credits and pulling weeds on the playground on first Fridays made me crazy at times. The intensity of the co-op model has been a difficult fit as work encroaches on more of so many family’s lives in our modern era. But—I have no regrets. All of us found lasting friendships. We found like-minded people who were not simply dashing in and out anonymously at pick-up. The school focuses very intentionally on social emotional learning. Which is as it should be at age, regardless of which three year old neighbors may be cutting their teeth on Harry Potter. It may be particularly important in such an affluent, achievement-conscious community to emphasize running your own race, so to speak. 

So. Myles is heading to Glebe for kindergarten in August! And Ellie will begin second grade. She has just weeks left of first grade with Ms. Van Hook, who eventually became a beloved teacher to our slow to warm kiddo. Nitin and I were quite grateful that Ellie had been placed in her class from the beginning. She was named Glebe’s teacher of the year this year, which was no surprise to us. She was warm, enthusiastic, engaging, thoughtful, organized, and such a keen observer of each individual kid. Ellie has had a pretty decent year. She may not quite have found a really steady friend crew yet, but she seems to play well with classmates and has been able to speak up in class more often as the year proceeds. She doesn’t exactly delight in school, but we are hoping that she feels even more comfortable as the years at Glebe continue. Ellie still loves art and has been burning through series of graphic novels. It’s exciting to see her so engaged with reading. She began guitar with me early this year, and that has been a struggle. She dislikes practicing and my sense is that becoming skilled requires more work than she expected. I’m reluctant to let her quit, but this is an age old parenting dilemma! She has also struggled with anxiety in new ways this year, causing chronic GI issues that we have not quite been able to crack yet. We’ve been to her pediatrician, and a pediatric gastroenterologist, undergone blood and stool testing, tried Miralax and a prescription medication that caused nightmares. She just began therapy again, with a new therapist, and this feels potentially promising.

I live with anxiety myself, of course—in fact, I’ve recently increased my dose of the SSRI I have been on for five years to manage an increase in symptoms. So I know that mental health is rarely set it and forget it. We need to try different tools in our toolboxes. We need to learn patience and compassion for ourselves. We have to expect and accept a certain amount of ebb and flow. But that is a tall bill even for adults who have coped with these tendencies for decades. I also requested permission to work from home 4 days per week, rather than 2 or 3, as an accommodation to help mitigate anxiety and panic symptoms. I struggled with that. I worried that I should force myself to live at the very limit of my conditions—to be as “capable” and “normal” as I can be. But so many years into my life—40, this year—I am experimenting with giving myself more space. And also framing this as—I am still a high capacity person. But I am needed in so many demanding ways—as a parent, a wife, a family member, a friend, a supervisor, an employee—that it makes sense to make space for mental health where I can. A long tangent about me, as it turns out. But I have also learned that in a family, the mental health of any of us often affects the entire family. So this is the right place to acknowledge that both Ellie and I have been brave and strong and lived in the middle place — waiting for some wrinkles to resolve — this spring. And I am proud of both of us for valuing our health and wellbeing. And understanding that those things do not dull the many ways we shine in life. A note that E and I share similarities but neither are we two peas in a pod. Speaking of running one’s own race! 

Both kids continue to take swimming lessons. Ellie took a bike skills class this spring while Myles gave soccer a whirl, and loved it. Myles is a social butterfly, befriending kids at parks, museums, and in distant cities. He loves hanging with his mighty crew at school — the Colorful Sky Painter class. And he is delighted to attend playdates, birthday parties, or even to tag along when Ellie has friends visit. He is such a chatty guy that after twenty minutes of telling a parent at a playground about our lives, the dad—previously a stranger—asked Myles for his social security number! 

The kids do squabble but at this stage, I believe they are also each other’s closest friend. I overheard Ellie telling Myles yesterday: “…and then I realized…I’m really lucky to have you.” They are usually pretty quick to apologize when they step on each other’s toes. They are good, sweet kids. And they bolster each other’s confidence in unfamiliar settings, like childcare at Nitin’s college reunion or riding the bus to school,

Which reminds me that I have neglected to summarize the travels of the past five months. We returned from a trip to San Diego on NYE, if memory serves correctly. An aside—my memory frequently does not serve at all these days! Nitin bopped around the globe for work plenty in the first half of 2024. The family visited a house between Shenandoah and Charlottesville for a few days during Ellie’s spring break in March. And we are, as I tap this out on my phone, returning from a visit to Boston for Nitin’s 20 year college reunion. Both were smooth, relatively low-key trips. We will head to Colorado Springs for a short jaunt in a couple of weeks. And then on to Europe—a trip that has caused me plenty of trepidation, mainly due to the flight. But I am making room for excitement and doing my best to take gentle care of myself. I will see where I am and how I am feeling as we move towards that date. And I will be relieved for a relatively quiet several months after July. Just a driving trip with the dogs in August and a visit to Chicago in October — plus likely a visit with the GW girls and a quick jaunt to the beach with Dylan and Angelica. We are still mulling on Christmas.

As our family rabbi shared years ago—this is a mixed life. But I know how fortunate we are to have so many blessings. Even with the hard parts. The stomach bugs. The panic attacks. The probable IBS diagnosis. The ways that stress can distract us from treating each other gently. The insomnia, worries about loved ones, and the numerous  mundane papercuts in this life. All of it is, for us, so far outweighed by the weight of Zoe’s head on my feet at night. The scent of peonies, patter of rain, delicious thrill of a good book. And love if the heftiest counterweight. The comfort of a warm hug. Myles “nuzzling” my shirt with his nose. Ellie telling me casually, you know, I really love you. 

I certainly omitted plenty. That is what six months does to one’s memory. Also this plane will soon be landing. 

Quotes

M: [petting the dog with his palm, as directed] I’m trying to pet the dog with my handpits!

E: "I have a question. Is it true that girls can't have babies before they turn 18, or is it just not appropriate before then?"

E: Zoe, you’re perfect how you are. (Pause) I mean, it would be better if you were a vegetarian…

Poetry from Ellie:

How do you feel as you grow you will know

The duckling went to the beehive and sang a little jive

Myles called North Dakota North Cicada. He also thought we picked Ziggy up from Greenland, rather than Greensboro, NC.

Adieu, 2023!

I began this blog seven years ago, when Ellie was a newborn, and week by week, I meticulously documented her hiccups, speculated about her nascent personality, and included accompanying photos in each post. Now Ellie is 7, Myles is 4, and I have not posted since August—though I have dutifully written “kids’ blog post” in the margin of my planner for weeks now. I never anticipated that my brain could become so oversaturated with stress and stimuli that it would freeze like a computer on the fritz. And how does one reboot an almost 40-year-old working parent? Asking for a friend. The blog is ostensibly about the children but since I have been subsumed by the children, I will permit some of own musings. 

So. It is that sleepy week between Christmas and the beginning of the new year, and we are camped out in an Airbnb in Encinitas, where we flew on Christmas Eve after an early family celebration on the 23rd. But before we jump right in, let me catch you up on everything since August. 

In late August, we returned from Montreal and Nitin immediately for to North Carolina to retrieve Ziggy, our new chocolate labradoodle puppy. Ziggy has been enthusiastically welcomed by all and perhaps most of all by Ellie, who attended puppy training classes alongside Nitin and sleeps next to Ziggy’s crate in her room. We’ve been so impressed with how Ellie takes Ziggy out to pee and feeds him in the morning—a big responsibility! Ziggy himself is a lovable, shaggy character—more on the Labrador side of the game pool than Zoe, he is floppy, friendly, and voraciously hungry. We think he’ll also be larger than Zoe when he grows into his giant paws. 

A second dog has amplified the chaos in the house. We are still working on carving out a bit of peace for ourselves. But Ziggy’s sweetness adds joy to our life and I suspect life may feel calmer once he is past peak puppy mania. 

Ellie began first grade in Ms. Van Hook’s class this year. Few of her buddies from kindergarten were assigned to her class but she is forging new friendships in her own way and at her own pace. Ellie finished a stint in therapy recently with Dr. D, and one of the mementos we left with was a turtle fashioned out of pipe cleaners—a reminder to be respectful of Ellie’s natural pace and way of being. My own mom gently gave similar advice. We have to let our children be who they are—and beyond that we must accept and celebrate who they are. Ellie and I talked about how sometimes social situations can feel harder for people like her and me. But we are both so worth getting to know and are great friends to the people we love. 

Ellie is blossoming academically this year, reading chapter books and graphic novels like babysitters club little sister series. She still delights in art and seems so at peace when she is drawing or otherwise using crafting new creations. And like me, she likes to make lists! She also is enjoying cooking, including making new recipes from a cookbook received for her birthday and making Blue Apron meals with her dad. Ellie and I will begin guitar lessons next week and she will be playing basketball and taking a cooking enrichment class after school for the next few months. Ellie continues to belong to her Girl Scout troop , which is a great source of friendship and a way to stay close to kindergarten friends—and my way of trying to help support friendships that will make her feel more comfortable in whatever class she is assigned to. Ellie teased me that in my notes to her, I always say that I love to watch her grow. But it is true. She is funny, kind, sharp, and so observant. She is loving and wise beyond her years. 

Myles is in his last year at CCCC this year, a big kid in the upstairs classroom—dubbed the Colorful Sky Painters, a name I personally find delightful. Myles continues to enjoy watching his documentaries—a varied collection featuring diverse topics such as marine life, the bombing of Pearl Harbor, and the burning of Notre Dame cathedral. So, light fare. 

He continues to enjoy hanging with his “mighty crew” and is such a social guy. He gives hugs easily and loves looking at books. Myles is a charmer—he’s got a great smile that lights up his face and may say out of the blue, “mama, I don’t love anybody but you.” And then two minutes later he will earnestly say the same to his dad or to one of his two favorite stuffies, bow wow and bow wow pito. I am so curious to see how Myles unfolds as he goes to Glebe for kindergarten next year. I think he will love that potential for more enrichment activities—whereas Ellie needs more alone time to unwind, Myles is always clamoring for more activities and social time!

And as for other occurrences this fall…both kids continue to tame swimming lessons at our local high schools, with both making good progress! We visited Grandma and Grandpa in Chicago in October and saw some of my old friends while we were there. Grandma and Grandpa visited us for Thanksgiving and both kids delighted in spending time with them. Both kids have loved spending time with Nani, with Ellie visiting on Tuesday and Friday afternoon, and Myles visiting on weekends. Shefali and Emma visited for a couple of days in November, and we all celebrated Diwali together! Grandma, Grandpa, Dylan, and Angelica visited us for an early Christmas—ice skating for Myles’s first time was a highlight. And that brings us to present day. 

We have much to look forward to in 2024–trips to Charlottesville, Boston, Europe, Chicago and beyond; kindergarten for Myles and second grade for Ellie; diving into home renovation plans. And hopefully, a great many slow, peaceful moments, too. 

Notable Quotes:

Correct, Technically...

N: You have to believe in yourself!

E: No I don’t! It’s my choice! 

Language Confusion...

B: I have to turn on my computadora.

M: Your computer's name is Dora?!

Just making sure!

Myles, home with a fever: 

"daddy, do you want to keep me healthy and care about me so much" 

Everyone's special little guy

N: you know you’re my special little guy right?

M: no, mommy says I’m her special little guy.

N: what? How can that be?

M: I guess I’m both the parents’ special little guy.

You and only you...

M, while feverish: Mama, I don't like anybody else but you.

M, an hour later: Daddy, I don't like anybody else but you.

Future marketing exec

M, while looking at zoe's little heartshaped mini treats and spelling out the word B-I-T-S: they should be called meat hearts.

Making his mark

M edited Adamsville Cemetery on Google Maps and shared his google maps location with Jeff. 

Wordsmith

E: Coffee tastes horrid.

N: At least you have a good vocabulary.

E: What does vocabulary mean? 

Mapper Myles

M recognized Sydney Opera House and then said: Daddy, can you show me Wolf Rock off Rainbow Beach in Queensland, Australia?

Marine Myles

Sleepy M: “Mama?”

B: “Yes, baby?”

SM: “Bull Sharks live in rivers and estuaries.”

Benign Hunting

Myles, wearing a backpack, shoes, and a pole with a dog toy attached to it: "I am hunting for labradoodles!" Pauses. "I am hunting for labradoodles so I can give them food and protect them in their habitat."

Introspection

E, re: her therapist: Why is she so wise and nice but not my type of woman?

Vampire Tendencies

B: When people ask you not to suck their blood, it is polite to listen to them.

M: I wasn’t really sucking daddy’s blood.

E: It’s kind of an alarming thing even to say though. 

Quick Question

E: "I have a question." 

N: "Go ahead."

E: "If all life on earth came from tiny organisms billions of years ago, how did the tiny organisms start?"

N: "That's a good question. People don't know the answer yet. There are a few theories. One of the theories is that the tiny organisms traveled to earth on a meteorite and spread out from there. But there are other theories and we haven't figured out the answer."

E: "Oh. Let me know if we figure it out."

N: "I'll keep you posted."

AKA Turkey

E, referring to a blow up turkey in a neighbor's yard: Is it...a Thanksgiving chicken?

Bedtime Requests 

M: “Mama, can you draw the USS Arizona on my back?”

Holiday Spirit 

E: Why do we never go caroling? Do we just not have the energy?

Dog Days of Summer

And just like that, it is August. I have never been the most enthusiastic fan of summer. My summer loving family and friends insist that the season passes in a flash. In DC, summer feels like a long, sweaty stretch of time—stealing from spring with high temperatures in May and maintaining its grip through at least September. But now that Ellie is in kindergarten, summer marks the passing of time in a different way. She will begin first grade in less than three weeks and the last week of kindergarten still feels so recent.

I had fretted about how Ellie would weather the many transitions of summer. When I was a kid, you went to one camp, and you also spent lazy summer days biking to the white hen for ice cream or just reading a magazine while your thighs stuck to a leather couch, trying to catch a breeze. But summer for short has been a series of shorter, mostly full day camps that are exorbitantly expensive compared to the camps of my youth. I organized these enrollments in concert with other moms, coordinating so that she would rarely attend a camp without at least a friend or two in the same group. A three week music camp, a half day art camp, astronomy camp, musical theater, gymnastics, violin. 

She had gained a greater measure of social confidence by the end of kindergarten. She danced enthusiastically in her end of year cover to Shakira’s waka waka song. She is not the most physically affectionate of her peers, but she began returning hugs sometimes. We started therapy with Dr. Di—moments after the precipitating incident in extended day in January that had caused me to contacts six therapists. By then, E was in a smooth stretch, and when I completed the pediatric symptoms form, the Dr could not diagnose her with anything at all. So. No insurance coverage. And so far we have spent our sessions playing with miniature figurines (“minis”) and sand (!!! How I hate sand) and creating art. We recently started practicing breathing exercises that Ellie is always familiar with and we spent half of the most recent session pretending to be noodles, so that our bodies transformed from rigid, uncooked noodles, to languid, floppy cooked noodles. Ellie is unfazed but also seemingly unaffected by all of this. I wonder about the difficulty scheduling and the $200 session fees. But then she turns to me on an ordinary evening and says, what if we are all living in a nightmare, and none of this is real? And I think well perhaps, for this particular beautiful orchid, it is wise to be in the company of an experienced botanist sometimes.

When I visit the children just before I go to bed just to soak up a little more of them and check on them, I think I could not love anyone or anything more. And this is true. They are my favorite people. 

Ellie is so observant. I was telling Yonit about her yesterday. And she said oh, what a sophisticated mind, and she is probably thinking deeper thoughts than she has the emotional capacity to take in, sometimes. I think she got that right. 

E is also developing in all of the ordinary, observable ways. She is so tall and slim, among the tallest of her peers, mostly legs. Her face is so often caught in am expression of concentration. She takes on tween mannerisms, rolling her eyes expressively. One week she used the word “random,” dismissively, in every other sentence. I can see what lies ahead. And like all of the human inhabitants of our home, her emotions can be somewhat volatile. She and M are mostly quite close but they also argue, and when she is furious with him, she radiates anger as she points her finger at him. The pointing finger vibrates with expression and there is no shortage of shouting between the kids when tempers are elevated. But she also exercises admirable restraint. I know she may feel inclined to hit him but she rarely does. At six and a half, I credit her for that. 

The way that her reading skills have taken off in the past year is so exciting for me. Less so for her. I feel like I am in the presence of magic when I listen to her read words, then sentences, then paragraphs that were so recently completely out of her reach. I think of the joy of her reading so many beautiful books for the first time. But my enthusiasm has not been contagious. She enjoys being read to. But we have had not a few kerfufles about her nightly 20 minutes of reading. I have had to remind myself repeatedly to practice patience. The end goal is not proficiency but a genuine love of language and story. And no one can be prodded into that territory. I know better. But to do better when tensions are elevated is the challenge.

I feel like I am capturing too much of how it feels to parent and too little of the spectacular, transient person she is in this moment. It is an in between age. She bops to Taylor Swift and One Direction—lyrics that engage her but are not yet completely understood. And she also delights in playing quietly with her collection of stuffies—dressing them in velvet hair scrunches, celebrating their birthdays, acting out scenes, putting them all too bed.

And there are threads that have been consistent all along. She loves art a she always has. She expresses herself beautifully. She is an older soul than many friends. She has a more nuanced understanding of the world that can startle parents of six year olds who have all the complexity of a golden retriever. One parent friend compared her to Wednesday Addams. Ellie will sometimes flippantly announce that she is dying.

But that view of her misses so much of her fundamental joy. She delights in animals. She loves silly games. She can be so gentle with her brother. There is also a zany, laughing girl who is playful, affectionate, and enthusiastic. All shades of Ellie are a great gift to us. Whatever I write here, there is so much more to say.

This brings us to Myles. He came second but should not always be second in these entries. It has been fascinating to watch our sweet little guy become more and more himself. His intellectual curiosity is such a delight to us. He can happily spend long stretches of time navigating in google maps. This was also apparently a favorite childhood pastime for Nitin. 

He is also very interested in the world outside his immediate surroundings. A strong interest in volcanos and natural disasters has given way to a fascination with marine life, and different species of sharks in particular. I have learned about sharks I never knew existed from Myles, who can identify different types of sharks by their physical traits—porbeagle shark, great white, hammerhead, nurse shark, bull shark—and tell me what they eat and where they live. We checked a dozen shark books out from the library. He also loves to watch both children’s and adult documentaries about marine life.

Myles’s year as a puzzle kitty “middle” At CCCC is wrapping up. I can scarcely believe that my little guy is entering his last year of preschool. Thank goodness he still loves to snuggle. On the nights that I put him to bed, he prefers to lie in my lap until he falls asleep, and we listen to peaceful guitar or harp music after reading stories.

Myles is still an intriguingly social guy, happy to make new friends in any setting. At school, he enjoys his “mighty crew,” and especially his friend M. He wrapped up teeball in the spring—he seemed ambivalent about the teeeball but likes wearing his camp and enjoyed being part of a team. And not he and E are taking swimming lessons. I should think of a fall activity for him. Or maybe not. I am always torn between structured and unstructured time. 

So. What is next for this little family? For starters, a new puppy, Ziggy, arriving in under three weeks. A trip to Montreal just before that. We went to Banff and Minnesota earlier this summer. And also an overnight in Shenandoah. First grade for Ellie. Last year of preschool for Myles. A marathon for Nitin and October Chicago visit for the rest of us. Christmas in San Diego. And whatever else happens in life that we were not expecting. Which is no small part of things. 

Before summer ends, we will have Ellie’s Girl Scouts over for s’mores and a campfire. I will organize the ice cream Social for Myles’s school. There will be back to school playdates. 

I am just coming back from a 24 hour jaunt to Philly. Kim, Elizabeth, and I took the train to see Yonit, who was there for a conference. We talked a lot about about work, balance, toiling. I did not expect that any conversation could help me to feel lighter. I feel as if work has been grinding me down. I had assumed the only way to feel lighter was to work until everything felt wrapped up neatly and within my control.

This is not the purpose of these posts, exactly. How I feel as I walk this tightrope carrying family and work responsibilities is not the picture of family life I am aiming to preserve. I want to know, in twenty years, how much Myles delighted in porbeagle sharks, and I want Ellie to remember how she used to give “birth” to stuffies who popped out from under her tshirt. But does anyone need to remember how I felt constantly torn between work and family responsibilities, and sometimes only remotely aware of who I am outside of either of those contexts? 

Well, maybe. This is part of the movement of putting the moon in the picture. The year that a child lost her front teeth and quit ballet and went on her first fun run with her dad was the year I became a supervisor, and struggled with imposter syndrome, and stepped down from the preschool board, tired of being thoughtlessly tasked with hours of unpaid, thankless work. The month that Ellie went to astronomy camp I wanted to snuggle later at bedtime with both kids and I also wanted to walk the dog and listen to a podcast and chip away at work projects. There is never enough time and sometimes I forget to feel the joys of my very full life. I am instead consumed by the feeling that a ball is dropping somewhere, that no one else is quite taking seriously all the things that require serious consideration. 

At Ellie’s therapy session, we chose miniature figurines that were supposed to represent ourselves and each other. Ellie chose a dragon and I chose a German shepherd for Nitin. Ellie chose a bird for me and a unicorn for herself. I chose a puppy for Myles and a butterfly and the joy character from Inside Out for Ellie. For myself, I chose a donkey that turned out to be a goat, because work is who I am right now. I carry deadlines, laundry, camp forms, email traffic, meetings, grocery lists. And Nitin carries mental load too. Hello, taxes, credit cards, flight bookings, landscaping, swimming lessons, trash and recycling, canine care, automotive maintenance! Who could even measure at this point? I spend all my damn time moving clean and dirty laundry, recycling art work, working, working, working. 

So I weave fantasies. We will rescue goats and live on a remote farm near a small town with a library, bakery, and farmer’s market. I will quit and write essays or young adult novels. Did you know that starting your own goat rescue isn’t great for your 401k? And writing a YA novel is unlikely to generate 170k per year or access to health insurance? Anyways.

But I wonder if my ordinary life — and my perspective on it — just need tweaking. In the words of the great American poet Taylor Alison Swift, me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. If you had told me at 17, you will be a civil rights lawyer at the department of education. You will be married to your partner of nearly 20 years. Two beautiful, healthy, brilliant children. Great friends. You own a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood. You walk your kids to school. You have job security but your family also doesn’t even need your income. I would have thought, all that worrying, and what a blessed life. But I still worry. 

I have to remind myself. This is the best part. Watching these children grow, being near them, pouring love into them. This is the ball that cannot drop. Slow down and drink it in. The rest of it cannot be taken so seriously. When the rest of it seems more too important, it is time to reset. 

Quotes

Concerns about volcanoes...

M: "Daddy, are there volcanoes in Italy?"

N: "Yes, there are."

"Are they active volcanoes?"

"Yes."

"So that means we can't go to Italy."

"No, we can go to Italy. It's safe."

"Do they only erupt on certain days, like Mondays?"

"No, it's not like that."

"Then we can't go to Italy."

Additional travel safety questions...

M: "Daddy, did you visit a castle in Europe?"

N: "No, I haven't done that."

"Is that because the knights will put you in jail?"

"No, they don't put you in jail. You're allowed to visit the castles."

"So the knights are nice now?"

"Yes."

"Because they used to be bad."

"I know."

"Daddy, I would like to visit a castle in Europe with you sometime."

"Sounds great."

Hallmark channel...

E: Did you bring me a gift from Chicago?

N: I'm sorry, no, I didn't.

E: Oh. [pause] People usually bring gifts home when they go on a trip.

N: I know. I'm sorry. I mean to but....[dissembling]

E: Well, it's okay. The real gift is family.

Not sure how this happened...

M walks into a room: “Uh. One problem. The curtains fell down and it’s all because of me.”

Homophones...

M to Ni, three days before Father’s Day: I’m not your son, suns are burning hot!

Aquarium visit!

“Daddy I’m going to Baltimore Maryland on a bad weather day to visit the sea creatures.” —Myles, recalling that we're waiting for a crummy weather day to take a day trip to the Baltimore aquarium

Taylor Swift!

Ellie, anticipating ticket sale day for a Taylor Swift concert in the Netherlands: "Tomorrow we're going to find out if we're going to Hamsterdam or not!"

The Perfect Day

Ellie, describing her perfect day: "A claw machine and a new puppy." Well, one out of two ain't bad!

Spring is sprung!

 Hi,

And just like that, it is nearly the end of April! Our December/January trip to South Carolina still feels recent, but it's five months have already flown by. As the kids grow, time seems to pass ever more quickly, perhaps in part because our lives are jam-packed these days. And so I am giving myself credit just for "showing up" to document how life has been recently--with no pressure to write eloquently, or write a lot, lest even these short posts stop happening!

Nitin is still at Shopify -- he hit the one-year mark recently and shows no sign of heading for the hills, which is notable. I am still settling into my new position in OCR, and feeling a push and pull between my work life and the rest of my life, including and especially family time. We've had packed first quarter of the year -- a couple of highlights include a trip to DC for enchiladas and time at the zoo in January, two trips to the Kennedy Center (for 123 Andres, a bilingual musical performer, and a Mo Willems opera), kajillions of birthday parties, Covid (in February, more of a lowlight, but managable), visiting a dozen baby pigs at Frying Pan Park, and a whole bunch of work travel for Nitin in March! We also headed to Charlottesville/Shenandoah for Spring break in April and enjoyed ice cream on the downtown mall, pineapple pizza, hiking to a waterfall, and the C'ville kids museum, with an awesome house in the woods as our home base. 

And the kids are alright, as they say. Ellie has settled into kindergarten with more ease since January. We have experimented with different ways of doing things -- we have switched off so that Nitin handles dropping both kids off, and I handle picking both kids up. We finally realized in January that extended day was the most taxing and fraught part of Ellie's day -- her people energy was depleted by 3:50, and the last hour or two of time in a less structured setting led to memorable incidents -- kissing a friend, scratching a boy who was taunting her -- that caused us to realize she needed time at home instead. I placed her on a waiting list for several therapists in January, for a little help with processing the new stressors of kindergarten -- and, we're still waiting! But the good news is that a shorter school days helped a lot. She spends Tuesdays and Fridays with Nani, Wednesdays with a high school babysitter named Kaitlyn, and Mondays and Thursdays just doing her own thing at home. We've seen her reading skills grow by leaps and bounds -- fine, fine, I'll admit that we're drilling her with flashcards, but if it works, it works -- and we've seen her confidence grow in tandem. In the wake of playground dramas, especially with a group of boy friends who run hot and cold on Ellie, we've had lots of conversations about being a kind friend and picking friends who are kind to us. We're proud of Ellie for meeting with the school counselor once a week as part of a small group that works on building social skills and confidence together. Ellie is still taking ballet with her CCCC buddy, W, seeing CCCC friends at birthday parties and playdates, excelling in swimming lessons, and enjoying being part of a girl scout troop for the first time! The wheels are always turning in her sharp mind and we love spending time with her. She's thoughtful, kind, and a great big sister. She continues to love art, and in shows in her beautiful masterpieces. She's really enjoying music this year, also. We're down to the last nine weeks of the school year, and she's got a fun calendar lined up for summer -- with camps focused on music, astronomy, theater, violin, and gymnastics! We're so proud of Ellie, and looking forward to seeing what captures her attention next. 

Myles turned 4 earlier this month, at a joint birthday party with friends featuring a firetruck visit, a bouncy house, pizza, and cupcakes! Myles is also doing a great job with swimming lessons, and is trying his hand at teeball this spring; his team is called the Giants. Nitin is running point on his teeball training and he looks pretty darn cute in his baseball uniform--Myles does, I mean, Nitin is also cute, but doesn't get to wear a uniform. Myles has had a great year in the middles at CCCC with his puzzle kitty friends, who he calls his "mighty crew." Myles has a talent for making friends--at the playground, at school, wherever he happens to be for at least five minutes--and may be the most social human member of the family. Myles very quickly learned the entire alphabet this spring and is so curious about books. He loves for us to read to him -- Frog and Toad, Pout Pout Fish, Star Wars, Natural Wonders, anything involving vehicles of any kind -- and he also loves to quietly look at books by himself. Myles loves to dance, sing, and snuggle--he still asks us if we'd like to sit in his lap when he's looking for a lap to sit in himself, which is quite endearing. Like Ellie, he can belt Taylor Swift lyrics like a millennial. He and Ellie have loved hanging in the backyard this spring, particularly on a swingset that Nitin nabbed from Costco for $200, which has been a big hit.

It's impossible to provide a completely comprehensive update, but I gave it a shot! We have a lot of travel planned in upcoming months. Chicago in May for Memorial Day weekend, Minnesota/Banff in June, a one-night getaway for Nitin and me in June, Deep Creek in August, Chicago (for the marathon) in October, and San Diego in December. We are also gaining a new (furry) family member in September, when we bring home a new labradoodle puppy! Yet to be named. :)

Without further ado, some funny quotes from recent months...

Sleeping Situations

Nitin: I walked into ellie's room just now and found it empty. Then i walked into Myles's rooms and found them both tucked in Myles's bed together.

Nitin: "What are you doing, guys?"

E: "We're going to try sleeping in the same bed."

Nitin: "oh? why's that?"

E: "Well we need to get used to it."

Nitin: "you do?"

E: "yes, so when we're grown ups we can sleep together."

Birds and the Bees

M: “Was I in your tummy?”

N: “No, you were in mommy’s tummy.”

M: “Was Ellie in your tummy?”

N: “No, she was in mommy’s tummy.”

M: “Then who was in your tummy? Zoe?!!”

Sharing is Caring

M, while discussing his birthday gifts: “Just give me a few, I want to save the rest for Ellie.”

Sweet Dreams

E, explaining tearfully that she had to sleep with Zoe, because she was worried about bad dreams and Zoe is "her furry dream catcher."